


What Might Have Been

by UpsideAround



Series: Candlelight (Like A Dream) [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Pining, nonbinary!lafayette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 07:24:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6602020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UpsideAround/pseuds/UpsideAround
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alexander wondered what he had just gotten himself into.</p><p>A week to pretend to be pretending to be in love with John Laurens. He grimaced at the complexity of it.</p><p>This should be fun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a sequel of Set My Heart Aflame, it will basically be the same story told from Alexander's POV. Not every detail and bit of dialogue will match up, because it adds variety and different people will remember the same events slightly differently. 
> 
> I'm writing so that either can be read as a stand-alone.

“Well, Alex? You’ll either have to bring a significant other or one hundred US dollars, which is it?”

Lafayette and Alexander were Skyping. Lafayette was in France for a study abroad program, something Alex was incredibly bitter about, (Laf grew up in France, that asshole) but had learned to relax about. Even if he still wanted to punch Lafayette in their smug face. 

They now only saw each other during school breaks, including winter and summer breaks, when they went home to the Washingtons in Virginia. 

And a few months ago, during winter break, Alexander had made the dumb decision to bet on his love life. One hundred dollars that he’d have a date to bring down for spring break.

Lafayette had gleefully accepted the bet, and Alexander thought it was in the bag. Now he was beginning to worry that Laf may have a reason to be gleeful after all. 

Alex huffed at the screen with Lafayette’s face on it. “I’ll have someone, don’t worry.”

“Oh, really?” Lafayette leaned in closer to the camera on their end, raising an eyebrow. “Will you finally ask John out? Je pense que non.”

“Casse-toi, Laf, I’ll bring someone and you can bring your money.” Alex adjusted his computer screen slightly. “I’m winning this thing.”

Laf snorted. “Yeah. Sure. You’ve been pining after him for months, and haven’t done a damn thing.”

Okay, a fair accusation.

Alex heard the handle of his dorm door turn. “Shit, I gotta go, John’s back.”

“Tell him you lov—”

Alex shut his computer hastily, ending the Skype call.

He swung around and faced John, who looked absolutely exhausted. “Hey,” he greeted.

John dropped his backpack on the ground and it landed with a  _ thump _ . “Ugh, promise me that you will never take a night class.”

Alexander grinned. “No can do, if the world demands it of me that I take a night class, then I will take a night class.”

John groaned and walked over to his desk and grabbed a textbook, his laptop, and a pad of notebook paper. He tossed them up to his bed (John used a loft bed— a kind of bed that was like a bunk bed but only the top bunk) and then walked around to the other side to climb up the ladder. 

“Got a lot of homework?” Alex asked. John always prefered to work on homework anywhere  _ but  _ his clean and organized desk. The floor, outside, on his desk but where both he and his homework were on the desk. 

Looks like today he’d chosen to work in his bed.

“Yeah,” John said. “Need to do this reading by tomorrow.”

Alex spun around in his chair and opened his computer once more. He checked the time. 12:46.

“My dearest, it is already tomorrow.”

That was an interesting phrase.  _ My dearest _ . Alex didn’t know how it slipped out of his mouth, but it rolled off his tongue and he quickly turned around to his computer as he felt a blush rising. 

“Is it really?” John paused. Alex felt immense relief that his slip up didn’t faze him. “Shit, you’re right. Oh well, still need to get this done.”

Alexander opened his latest project— a paper about why Parks and Recreation was a good representative of what government should be. He was using Leslie and Ron’s relationship as a metaphor for how the political parties of America should interact. Why was he writing such a paper? Jefferson, the asshole, had the nerve to tell him that Parks and Rec wasn’t a good show.

He should have been writing the literary analysis essay that was due two days from then, but proving Jefferson wrong was more important.

He heard the scratching of a pen and the occasional turning of a page or clicking of keys as John worked on his assignment. 

Alex’s fingers were typing, but his mind wandered.

He needed to win the bet, but to do so, he had to ask out John Laurens, and that was risky. It was risky because it would absolutely kill him if he got rejected.

Who would have thought? Alexander Hamilton, normally unaffected by anything, was afraid he’d get rejected. Alexander Hamilton, usually the one to take what he wants, was pining. 

So the bet with Lafayette had been a sort of personal challenge. Last December, he had taken a walk with John that was borderline romantic. Like, brush-the-snow-out-of-John’s-hair romantic. He wanted to ask him out right then and there. Take his hand. Kiss those lips that looked so cold in the snow. 

But he couldn’t do it, and if you asked him why, he wouldn’t be able to give you a good answer. 

So when they went back inside, Alex decided he needed more of an incentive to ask John out. And what better incentive than one hundred dollars?

And so the bet with Lafayette was secured. 

_ Just fucking ask him. _

Alex’s fingers clacked against the keyboard. The sound roared in his ears as he was hyper aware of John laying casually on his bed not five feet away. 

He typed absentmindedly. The words wrote themselves. His mind was detached from his fingers.

_ Just turn around, open your mouth, and ask him. _

But his mouth was wired shut. He continued his work, which was now more agonizing than anything. 

_ Okay, fine, I’ll ask. But I won’t turn around.  _

What the hell was he even doing? Arguing with himself? His legs anchored him to the floor and his jaw still refused to cooperate.

“Hey, you wanna be my boyfriend?” The words tumbled out before Alexander had time to think rationally. 

A cold stone dropped in his stomach as he anxiously waited for a response.

“I’m sorry, what?”

Alex’s blood ran cold as John’s words hit him. 

There was a small chance that maybe he hadn’t heard him correctly? Perhaps he just couldn’t understand Alex’s words? A “what” isn’t rejection. It was confusion.

Alex realized with a start that the words he was typing wasn’t the essay he was attempting to write. He had been typing out his thoughts onto the screen. The cursor flickered as he erased the gibberish containing John’s name and his thoughts of rejection.

“You,” he started. “And I.” The words were stones of dread as he worked them out. “Boyfriends.”

At the last word, an uncomfortable silence fell. Alex’s skin crawled as he awaited John’s response. He wasn’t even typing words now, just random letters to make it sound and look like he was working. Like he was nonchalant about the whole thing. Alexander Hamilton, cool as always. 

“You can’t be serious.” John’s voice was a gong, sealing Alex’s fate. 

That was that, then. John didn’t feel the same way.

Alex shoved down the emotions threatening to make an appearance and forced a smile. He needed to do some damage control. “Of course not,” he said. He was thinking on the spot, letting the words flow. “I made a bet with Lafayette that I’d have a significant other by spring break.”

Okay, not technically a lie, but he could build off of that. The bet that was once an incentive to ask John out was now a convenient story he could tell to avoid being hurt further. Because, well, if John didn’t know he was actually asking, then they would stay friends. 

Decision made, he spun himself around on the chair. “Boyfriend or girlfriend. You know me, I swing both ways. And it’s not like Lafayette to confine me to half of my possible options.”

John had an odd look on his face that Alex couldn’t place. 

“You didn’t think I was serious, did you?” Alex said. He twisted himself in his chair a little bit, restlessly trying to get rid of the ants crawling under his skin. He laughed, playing it off as a joke. “God, you and me? Can’t even imagine what it’d be like if we were actually dating. That would be ridiculous.”

With every word he said, he noticed John cringe slightly. Was he  _ that _ uninterested? Borderline disgusted? Or maybe just irked with the thought?

“Nonsensical. Absurd.” He added. He willed his mouth to shut up, he was only making things worse, and with every cringe of John’s he wished he could take it back. There was no way there was any ambiguity now; his overcompensating words made everything clear.

Still, he turned to face John and forced a grin. 

“So what, then, are you asking me?”

“Be my fake boyfriend for the week while I’m at home,” Alex internally congratulated himself for coming up with such a convincing proposal, “I bet Laf $100 that I’d be dating someone by spring break, but here’s the thing.” He leaned forward, toward John who was giving him a quizzical look. “I’m not dating anybody.”

“What’s in it for me?” John asked. “Because, you know, I could just call Lafayette right now.” John was reaching for his phone. “Maybe let them in on the notion that you’ll have a fake boyfriend?”

Shit, Laf couldn’t know. There’s no way Laf can know. Alexander would never live it down, how he couldn’t fess up to having strong feelings for someone. And having John tell Lafayette, of all people! He would be teased relentlessly, which would just make the knife of rejection infinitely worse.

He resorted to bribery. 

“I’ll give you fifteen percent.”

“That’s only fifteen dollars, Alexander,” John pointed out.

“Twenty-five percent,” Alex renegotiated.

“Thirty percent,  _ and  _ you have to ask properly.” John’s voice was butter, melting into a gentle tease. Alex relaxed, put at ease by the familiar atmosphere.

He dropped his jaw indignantly. “Hey, what was wrong with the way I asked?”

John shrugged and began to write again. “Ask properly, or no deal.”

Alexander had no clue what  _ properly  _ encompassed. Did he need to compose a poem? Write an essay? Serenade him in front of the whole class? Get down on one knee and propose?

He caught a glint of candy wrapper as he turned and remembered his ring pop. With a grin, he quickly opened it. 

Alex stood from his chair, watching John pretend to work on his homework. Alex fell to one knee, and held up the candy ring, proposal-style.

“John Laurens,” He said, trying his best to look stoic and serious. 

John looked up and snorted. “Yes?” 

“Will you be my fake boyfriend for a week so we can take Lafayette’s money?” Alex stifled a grin to keep the charade up. This was his proper way of asking, after all.

John gave a loving sigh. Alex wished it was real, and not for dramaticism. “Oh Alex, of course I will.” John stuck his hand over the edge of his bed and wiggled his fingers expectantly. “How about you put a ring on it?”

Alex stood, humming in feigned contemplation. “You already said yes,” he stared at the ring pop, shrugging. “So…” and he popped it into his mouth.

His enjoyment of the candy was rudely interrupted when he felt a pillow knock him sideways. He looked up disbelievingly at John, who huffed. When John reached for another pillow Alex dove for cover underneath John’s bed.

“You’re an ass, Alex.” 

Alex shrugged, although John couldn’t see him. It was probably a fair accusation. He looked around the corner of the bed, where John’s annoyed face was waiting.

“An ass that is now your boyfriend,” Alex corrected. He could see John fighting a grin. 

“Yeah, a fake boyfriend!” 

Alex ducked under the bed once more as John attempted to hit him with another pillow. 

A few minutes passed as Alexander waited under the bed. He could hear the turning of pages, indicating that John had gone back to working. 

“Is it safe to come out?” he asked cautiously. 

“Only if you agree to give me a ring pop of my own.” John’s voice lilted down into Alex’s ears. 

Alex opened his mouth to agree, but then he remembered that he only had one ring pop. And he was eating it right now. And it was almost gone. He was sure John knew this, so why—

“You’ve run out of pillows to throw at me, haven’t you?” he said, emerging from his hiding place. 

“Don’t be absurd. Hand me my pillows, please?” John asked. 

Alex cautiously picked up one of them. “Why?” he asked, handing it over. 

The second John had it in his grasps, it was being hurtled back at Alex. Alex was knocked sideways by the force of it. 

“Because I wanted to throw it at you,” John said smugly. 

Alexander grinned. 

A quiet spell was cast between the two of them, Alex sobering slightly and going back to work on his paper, and John returning his full attention to his homework. 

Alexander wondered what he had just gotten himself into.

A week to pretend to be pretending to be in love with John Laurens. He grimaced at the complexity of it.

This should be fun.

 

* * *

 

“Herc, I need to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone else.”

Mulligan shrugged. “Sure thing, Alex.”

Alexander shook his head. “No, I mean  _ anyone. _ Not Eliza, not John, not Angelica, and especially not Lafayette.”

The last bit caught his attention. Herc raised an eyebrow and leaned forward, assertively resting his elbows on his knees. “Not even Laf? It must be serious.”

“Yeah, it is.” Alex paused. Herc waited expectantly. 

“I’m in love with John,” Alex said. 

Mulligan raised an eyebrow. “Is that it? Dude, you’re so obvious, I’ve known.”

Alex took a breath. “I’m in love with him, and now I’m taking him to the Washingtons’ as my date. But we’re not dating.

“Shit, Alex, what made you decide to make such a rational decision?”

“Cut it with the sarcasm,” Alex said bitterly. When Mulligan leaned back, his eyes flaring, Alex retraced his steps. “I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I’m just—” he waved his hand. “I was trying to ask him out, but then I realized he was rejecting me, so I changed it to a fake relationship to save face.”

“I have a feeling there’s more to this.”

Alex nodded. “Yesterday. We almost kissed.”

“Almost?”

“Yeah, we were talking, and I don’t know what happened, but suddenly we were nose to nose and he was right there and we both freaked out a little.”

Herc lifted a hand in a ‘stop’ motion. “I’ll need you to back up a little here. Start from the beginning.”

“Okay, well I asked him to be my fake boyfriend about a week ago, right? I thought it played out alright. Things seemed normal. But then, yesterday, we shared this… moment.”

“Moment?”

_ “We’re going to need a story,” Alex announced, sitting himself down between John and his suitcase so he couldn’t be ignored. _

_ John paused his packing and looked at Alex, confused. “A what?” _

_ “A story, you know, all the relationship-people have them.” Alex raised his hand in a mocking manner. He adopted a southern accent. “Oh, we met two years ago, and I fell in love at first sight. I love my Johnny-boy here more than anything.” _

“Two years ago? You and John met two years ago,” Heracles interrupted. 

“Yes, I know. I stupidly projected our real story onto the fake one. Shut up and let me tell it, alright?”

_ Alex watched John’s eyes roll. “My name is John, Alex.” John stated. _

_ Alex scoffed and waved the statement off. “The point still stands. We need a story.” _

_ John leaned forward slightly, resting his head contemplatively in his hands, which were supported by his elbows resting on his knees. “It needs to be realistic,” he mused. “For Laf to believe it, there needs to be a reason we didn’t tell them. We didn’t meet yesterday, you know.” _

_ A million thoughts and combinations ran through his head at once. They had to have been dating for long enough to warrant a visit to meet the equivalent of Alexander’s parents, but not too long. If they had been dating for much longer than a few months then it would be out of character for Alexander not to want to tell people. _

_ So that left the winter months. Alex remembered that day where he had taken John on that almost romantic walk. Well, it had been romantic. In Alex’s eyes. He doubted John saw it as anything other than a nice walk to view the holiday lights. _

_ He straightened up, grinning as the story began to solidify in his mind. “I think it would happen in December.” _

_ “December?” _

_ “Yeah. Do you remember that walk we had on Christmas? With the snow and the lights?” Alex asked. He, of course, remembered every moment, as if it had been frozen into his mind forever.  _

_ “Yeah, what about it?” John asked, nonchalant.  _

_ “What if that walk was supposed to be a way to talk to you alone?” Alex forced the words out slowly. Because it really wasn’t a lie. That was his first attempt at confessing to John. He had realized earlier that day when John had arrived to the Schuyler Christmas party in that adorable turtle sweater that he was absolutely in love with John Laurens. _

_ Alex, never one to wait for anything, decided then and there that he was going to take John on one of those cliché romantic walks in the snow. Take his hand. Take his face in his hands, warming his cold cheeks. Maybe pull him in by his scarf for a sweet kiss. _

_ But he hadn’t done any of those things. God help him, he was scared. He couldn’t risk John.  _

_ So he hadn’t actually done any of those things. But he could build off of them for a good backstory. _

“A way to get him alone? That sounds more creepy than anything,” Mulligan commented. 

Alexander shushed him and continued his story.

_ “Sounds more menacing than romantic,” John said, giving him a curious look. _

_ Alexander laughed and jumped forward slightly, now on his knees instead of sitting legs crossed. “Oh no, it was romantic. Because I wasn’t a coward, I could reach over and take your hand.” _

“It's what I wished I had done,” Alexander explained. “I was actually a coward. Couldn’t do it. But I just started making up the story, saying and doing things that I had imagined myself doing that night, instead of freaking out and not doing a damn thing.”

_ Alex took John’s hand gently, lacing their fingers. “I took your hand like this.” He squeezed his hand reassuringly. He rubbed his thumb along the back of John’s hand. John’s hands were cool to the touch, and Alex’s heart soared. _

_ “Cold hands you’ve got there, Laurens.”  _

_ John turned his head down, his freckles shining with a blush. “Sorry,” he said. Alex felt a loving smile form on his own face, and he paused for a moment, allowing his world to be completely consumed with thoughts for John. _

_ “It’s fine,” Alex said in a near whisper. “After I took your hand, we walked along together for a little longer. We looked at the lights. I liked to critique them, but you would tell me to relax and enjoy them for what they were.” _

_ “We did that anyway,” John said, and Alex’s heart dropped into his stomach.  _

_ Alex hushed him. “I know, I know,” he said. _

_ A pause that lasted an eternity stretched between them. _

_ They were just there, Alexander and John, holding hands, closer than they’d ever been. _

“It wasn’t dirty, or even worthy of a higher rating than G, but it was intimate, you know?” Alexander sighed. “It wasn’t even like eye sex. It was just being close. I don’t know Herc, I think I might have been imagining it. Projecting my feelings onto the situation.”

Mulligan gestured. “What do you mean?”

“I felt the spell. He didn’t.”

_ “What else happened?” John prompted after awhile. “Relationships aren’t like they were in kindergarden, we didn’t just hold hands.” _

_ “Of course not,” Alex said, amused at the analogy. “No, I noticed a snowflake in your hair, so I reached up and brushed it off.” He reached up and pretended to dust the snow out of John’s hair. “Like this,” he said.  _

_ Alex let his hand fall part way. His fingers were now gracing John’s cheek, and he hesitated to let his hand fall the rest of the way. He noticed how brown John’s eyes were. They were a soft brown. Honey. He felt the gentle caress of John’s eyes reach his bones and tenderly hold his heart.  _

_ “I suppose I would have been quite red at this point,” John said. _

_ “You were. But it brings out your freckles, have I ever told you that?” It was true. John’s freckles were stars, and Alex wanted to trace constellations in them.  _

_ John shivered slightly. “No,” he said. _

_ “Well on that night, I would have. And I would have told you that it didn’t matter that the sky was clouded, because I had my very own moon right with me.” _

_ They spoke in murmurs. Words only meant for eachother.  _

_ “Always so eloquent with words,” John mumbled.  _

_ “For you, my dear Laurens, Always.” Alex’s words were woven carefully, creating sweet nothings that he used to cast the spell around the two of them. “I would have run my thumb across your cheek, gently, like this.” _

_ Alex swept the side of John’s face with his thumb.  _

_ They were close, and if Alex wanted to lean in and close the gap between them he could have. _

_ Alex felt John’s soft exhales, and he leaned in slightly. _

_ John flinched.  _

“What happened after that?” Hercules asked. 

Alex took a breath before continuing. “He cursed. I jumped back, mentioned things about how it was unexpected. He mentioned needing to pack, I said I needed to go, and we both tried to leave at the same time.”

“Making it even more awkward, yeah, I got it.”

Alex sighed, rubbing his face, which had begun to prickle. “God, the aftermath was so bad. We just kept talking over each other, both trying to escape as quick as possible. I was eventually saved by a call from George.”

_ “Who was that?” John asked. _

_ “The Washingtons. Wanted to know if I was still coming, and if I was bringing anyone.” Alex had to crack a smile at John’s perplexed expression. “That’s you, you walnut. I’m bringing you.” _

_ “Walnut? The same person that elegantly compared me to the moon earlier can’t come up with a better insult than walnut?” John’s voice was teasing, but it fell flat. _

_ It fell flat because it was a reminder to everything that had just transpired between the two of them. A little bit of the bubble had found its way into the real world. And in the real world, John didn’t feel the same way. _

_ “I need to go,” Alexander said. “I’ve got so much I need to do.” _

_ He left the room, the door closing with a final click.  _

_ The door shut and Alex turned around. He stared at the door for awhile, unsure what to do with himself. His room was contaminated with John, and he couldn’t bring himself to stay when the remnants of their spell lay scattered around. _

_ But he liked to imagine, and standing outside the door, he could imagine everything that could have been. _

“So I stood there for quite awhile, just lost in thought. I would have been screwed if John had decided to leave our dorm, but he never did. Part of me was hoping he would.”

“Shit, man, what did you do after that?”

Alex sighed. “Went down to the coffee shop. Couldn’t buy anything, but I must have looked pathetic enough that the barista made me one for free.”

Herc stared him down contemplatively. “Did you ever go back to your dorm?”

Alex shook his head. “No. Well, I did, eventually. But he was already asleep.”

_ The room was quiet. Dark. Alex smiled softly as he noticed John’s hand dangling off the bed.  _

_ He didn’t bother changing his clothes as he crawled into his own bed.  _

_ He fell asleep, hoping to escape the heartache. _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long to post, I had a bout of writer's block, and was stuck at about 2,500 words for awhile. But I ended up cranking the rest of this out, so here you go. 
> 
> I don’t have a lot of experience with the foster system, all I know is from my cousin who was adopted, please let me know of any inaccuracies. I also started reading the biography and I’m blown away as to how bi alexander was.
> 
> FYI: Spelling "Alexander" like "Alexandre" is intentional and is done to highlight Laf's french accent

Home was a strange concept to Alexander. 

For several years of his childhood, he was booted from home to home, staying in houses that didn’t feel like homes. He was an outsider, nobody wanted to adopt a kid that was constantly talking. Always had something to say, always fighting.

Alexander didn’t remember much of his early childhood, with his mother. He was so young, and he had no family to remember it for him. His father had left, his mother died. No other remaining relatives, other than the cousin that he’d stayed with for a few months before that ended as well. The only one that held memories of his childhood was himself, and even those were hard to grasp.

He might have been a quiet kid, before he started moving from place to place. Alex was pretty sure that all the moving around, never having any person take care of him, motivated him to take care of himself. He became self-reliant, and as he was moved from foster home to foster home, he never settled in. Because once he settled in, he was ripped from his new family. For a variety of reasons. 

Okay, that was a lie. Once or twice it was because of a mistake in paperwork, but most of the time it was because the family decided they didn’t want him anymore.

What a life for a kid, huh? Alexander, a verbose, passionate, misunderstood child needed nothing more than an environment to culture his thoughts and ideas. 

His early education was spotty, so he ended up teaching himself many elementary ideas. He grew to be self-reliant. He would read any book he got his hands on, not just understanding the content but evaluating the reliability of it.

Being moved from house to house became an expected event, he stopped trying to fit in. He avoided conversation with the family, or rather, he would hold meaningless conversation. At nine years old, Alexander was already an expert at talking without meaning, just to fill the empty spaces. He didn’t make friends. Not really.

Even when he was in one home for two months (the longest by far) he never assumed he was going to stay. He couldn’t afford to find a home, because it made it that much worse to be ripped from a house.

So, naturally, when he ended up at the Washington’s house for the first time, he was skeptical. George and Martha seemed like a nice couple, but he plastered on a fake smile and continued to speak meaningless phrases. 

They introduced him to Aaron Burr. Burr was two years older than Alexander was, and Alexander soon found that it was immensely entertaining to irritate Burr out of his silence. (Aaron tended to stay quiet, only placing words and phrases when they were needed.) They hated each other.

A nemesis was the closest thing Alexander had ever had to a friend.

Six months with the Washingtons, and he still hadn’t been given away again. He remembered around this time, George and Martha sat him down and offered to adopt him. He was dumbstruck, not because he didn’t understand what adoption was, but because he didn’t understand why they were adopting  _ him _ . 

Two years later, he met the strange French kid. 

Lafayette’s family had visited the United States, but when they left, Lafayette had been unwittingly left behind. Alexander didn’t know how the Washingtons ended up finding Laf, but when Alex came home from school that one day, he found Laf searching for food in the refrigerator. 

Alexander, surprised, called out something in French. When Lafayette responded in kind, they both stared at each other and grinned at the realization that they shared the same foreign language. They hit it off instantly, much to the dismay of Burr.

Lafayette eventually left to go back to France, but visited several times a year. Apparently their family was filthy rich and could afford all these plane tickets. 

So Lafayette, though not officially adopted, became part of their family dynamic.

Alexander never quite shook the feeling of only being able to trust himself, however.

Even now, that same childhood self-dependency shines through in his actions. He never liked to wait for things to be handed to him, he took what he wanted. When he needed information about something, he never hesitated to figure it out himself. When he decided he wanted to go out on a date with Eliza he did so. And when he decided that he preferred to just be good friends then he told her immediately. 

This is how it worked for him.

Every one of his past relationships: Eliza, Edward, Maria, (and even Jefferson that one time, but that was more hate sex than anything else.) He was upfront about what he wanted. He wore his heart on his cheek, but never hinted at anything deeper. He couldn’t bear to expose the emotions close to his heart. Perhaps that was why his relationships never worked out.

But with John, it was different. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything about his crush. (God, he hated the word crush. It sounded so immature, what Alex felt for John was more than a mere crush. But he was hesitant to call it love.)

John was _ — _ amazing.

The best friend Alexander ever had. Sure, he had fun with Laf and Herc, but he didn’t stay up until the early hours of the morning having a deep conversation. When he was with the full crew, staying up late was mainly due to hilarity and shenanigans. Pulling pranks, playing games, being so tired that he got stiches of laughter from phrases like “ass butter”. 

But when it was just John and him, he found that his barriers were weaker. He talked about his childhood, his ideals for the future, his emotions and the way he saw the world. He shared the deepest constellations of his mind.

And the best part was always how John wouldn’t ever offer judgement. He would respond with his own story, and Alexander would listen. 

John knew the depths of Alex’s soul. That could have been part of the reason Alex couldn’t ever work up the courage to ask John out. 

He couldn’t lose John, that would destroy him. It wasn’t even that John knew too much about him, though that was part of it, but Alex would lose his comfort and the only person he confided in. 

They always had each other's backs. Alexander, with his loud opinions and lack of verbal filter, tended to get into shouting matches. John was equally passionate, and between the two of them, they even ended up getting a teacher punched and fired.

_ Alex was fuming. He couldn’t believe the nerve of Professor Lee, telling him that orphans couldn’t do as much as everyone else. Lee didn’t say that, exactly, but his communication on a subconscious level was directed at Alex. He would use phrases like “statistically” and “when you look at the majority” and then cite examples of inaccurate data. _

_ And even if it was accurate, which it wasn’t, Alexander hated the notion that he couldn’t do just as much as anyone else because of the status of his parents.  _

_ “Who wants to give me some examples of what an illegitimate birth might mean for future child?” Lee gestured out at the class, waiting for students to raise their hands. _

_ Alexander shot his hand into the air, more of an announcement than a request to speak. “The stigma that comes along with not having married parents could potentially cause annoyance.” He spoke pointedly, shooting daggers at Lee with his eyes. _

_ “I’m sorry, I was looking for something more along the lines of the child’s personal success.” Lee looked back out over the class. “Anyone else _ _ —” _

_ “Personal success? Are you insinuating that being a bastard makes someone less successful?” Alexander spat. Perhaps he was overreacting, but it was a touchy subject.  _

_ “Mister Hamilton, please take a seat!” Lee scolded. Alexander looked around, he hadn’t even realized he was standing. He stubbornly refused to sit back down. _

_ “I want you to explain yourself,” Alex said. “Why is it that a bastard orphan has to be set apart? Does my point of view have no meaning to you?” Alexander paused, and pretended to mull over his rhetorical question. “Oh, that’s right, you don’t care what an actual orphan has to say.” _

_ “Hamilton!” Lee shouted. “Sit down, or I will call the office right now and have a discussion about your future in my class.”  _

_ “I don’t give a damn about your class! At least the Washingtons chose me, your parents are stuck with you!” Alex shouted back.  _

_ “Mister Hamilton, it is out of line to be insulting one’s parents!” _

_ “Oh, like you’ve been doing to me this entire class period?” _

_ Lee’s eyes flashed. “I would suggest you stop arguing with me, Hamilton. The best thing you can do for your academic career is turn and go back to that house on Mount Vernon.” _

_ Alex was fuming, but he understood Lee’s underlying message. If he tried anything, Lee could easily have him expelled.  _

_ He stiffly sat back down in his seat, and Professor Lee smugly straightened up and resumed the lesson. Alex couldn’t remember a damn thing about that lesson, he was blinded by rage. He sat in his seat, staring intently in front of him. _

_ “Strong words, coming from someone about to get fired,” John’s voice broke into his stream of thought. “Somebody ought to hold him to it.” _

_ “You think it’s a bluff?” Alex muttered back. He continued to stare straight ahead, but felt John shrug. _

_ Alexander thought for a moment. He knew George would be disappointed if he got into another fight over his parental status. Still, he’d had enough of being just the “bastard orphan” who doesn’t fit anywhere. It hit harder than he cared to admit.  _

_ "I can’t do anything,” Alex decided. “As much as I’d like to, Geroge made me swear that I’d stop getting worked up over things like this.” _

_ “Then I’ll do it.” _

_ Alexander turned around to see John staring ahead in the same manner Alex had been earlier. His eyes had a glint of fury in them. Alexander felt his body flush in agreement. _

_ “You’d do that?” Alexander said. _

_ John turned and faced Alex. “Alex, you’re the closest friend I’ve got. Lee’s an entitled piece of shit and has it coming.” _

_ Alex unwittingly grasped John’s arm. “Laurens _ _ —” _

_ He wanted to say something, wish him luck, give him advice, thank him, something. But the words wouldn’t leave his mouth. _

_ John gave him a smirk that conveyed everything it needed to. Alexander breathed as the heat of John’s gaze coursed through him. Alex ran his hand down John’s arm as he released it.  _

_ John stood up, and Alex fingered his pencil in anticipation. _

_ He didn’t even hear what Lee had been previously saying before John interrupted him. _

_ “I’d like you to explain why you think it’s necessary to threaten a student because he doesn’t agree with your point of view.” John was walking toward Lee, his presence leaking confidence onto Alexander and the rest of the class. “Take back your words, I demand an apology for one Alexander Hamilton.” _

_ Lee raised an eyebrow. “I refuse. People like Hamilton are entitled and need to learn to stay quiet.” _

_ There was a pause. _

_ And then Alex watched as John rushed forward the remaining ten paces between him and Lee and strike him in the center of his face. A crack resounded in the room as Lee’s nose broke.  _

_ John stepped back, and Alexander watched him wipe off his knuckles on his white shirt, staining it with Lee’s blood. Professor Lee stood there, shocked.  _

_ “I’m satisfied,” John concluded before marching out of the room.  _

_ He was later kicked out of that class, but Alex felt feather-light. He and John went out for drinks with Herc and Lafayette that night, and Alex watched in admiration as John recounted the events with the same glint in his eye.  _

John was the one thing Alexander couldn’t afford to lose.

These were the thoughts running through his head as he drove with John in the passenger seat. They were on their way to the Washingtons.  

John had impulsively stayed up the night before so he was dozing in the passenger seat. 

Their overnight bags and John’s pillow were stashed in the trunk, and they’d been driving for awhile now. 

Rather, Alexander had been driving. John was sleeping. 

He had his head leaned between the edge of his seat and the window, and Alex wondered how he managed to stay asleep despite the bumps of the road. Not that he minded, John needed his sleep. 

Alexander grew restless, however. He didn’t often go for long periods of time without making some sort of conversation. His mind ran non-stop, and he only felt peace in the presence of John. Those moments where they sat in the company of each other, either sharing stories or sitting quietly. Those were the moments Alex felt the weight of the world lift of his shoulders.

Unfortunately, John wasn’t awake at the moment. And strangely, the same magic didn’t take effect.

Alexander itched to talk to himself, turn on the radio, something to ease himself. John was sleeping, Alex didn’t want to wake him up. He knew all too well the effects of a sleepless night.

Still. Couldn’t hurt to try. “John?” he asked, loud enough to be heard if John was awake, but quiet enough to go unnoticed if he was still asleep.

He glanced over, and John remained slack against the back of the seat. Alex noticed the jacket he was using as a blanket had slipped off slightly, and he glanced between the road and John as he leaned over to pull it back up.

His hand fell off the steering wheel.

The car veered into another lane. A horn sounded. Alex cursed and quickly swung the car back into the proper lane, slightly shaken up. His mind jumped to John in the passenger seat beside him. He needed him, couldn’t lose John. Alexander’s hands were trembling slightly.

He heard movement from this right side. “Alex! I’m awake! Don’t get us killed!” John yelped. He pushed Alex’s hand off of his arm (when had Alexander begun to grip John’s arm?) and back toward the steering wheel.

Alexander waved him off. “We’re okay, I had it under control.”

John scoffed, sitting his head up slightly. “Under control my ass.”

Alex’s jaw dropped in indignation. “You act as if you don’t trust me!”

He heard John groan. “Am I wrong not to trust you?”

Alex grinned. “I’ll have you know I am the best multitasker this world has ever seen.” He kept his eyes fixed on the road, but he could feel John rolling his eyes at him.

“Says the guy who brushed his hair with his toothbrush and stuck a comb in his mouth because he said brushing hair and teeth at the same time was ‘way more efficient’.”

Alex grinned at the memory before shoving the smile down in order to appear indignant. “Hey! I’m an excellent multitasker! I’ve written an essay and sexted at the same time.” Okay, maybe not the best example, Maria had gotten a lot of messages about taxes and his professor had gotten an essay with several promiscuous phrases. “Besides,” Alex continued, “that toothbrush-hairbrush incident was one time!”

John’s laughter rang out. “Oh, it’s completely fair. Your new efficient method? It made us late to class because you had toothpaste in your hair.”

_ And hair in my mouth.  _ Alex shuddered at the memory of pulling hair out from between his teeth. That’s something he never wanted to relive again. “Bad example, your sample size is too small,” he refuted, regardless. “Your case is illegitimate.” 

“Oh?” he heard John ask. His voice was cocky, and Alexander could almost hear the smirk playing across John’s lips. “What about that time we were skipping rocks _ —  _ you threw your sandwich into the water and bit the rock. Or that time you almost drank my fish because it was in a cup you thought was your coffee?”

Alex huffed. “I noticed in time.”

John snapped a finger, assumingly to point at Alex. “And there was that time you were working on that paper, I brought you a glass of water, and you ended up throwing it over your shoulder instead of drinking it. You’d lost all coordination.”

Alexander grinned, raising one hand in surrender. “Okay, you got me, multitasking isn’t my forté. But _ — _ ” he raised a finger “I wasn’t going to let us crash.”

In all honesty, it was true. His primary goal was making sure John arrived safe and comfortable. Unfortunately his impulsiveness had gotten in the way. It all worked out okay, right? They didn’t end up getting hit by the oncoming traffic.

John stretched in the passenger, tugging at his seatbelt. “What did you need me up for?”

Well, that was the question, wasn’t it? 

“Huh?” Alex asked dumbly.

“When you were waking me up, you said something about how you needed me to wake up?”

Alexander wondered if he had accidentally said that aloud. Probably.

Damn, now he needed a good excuse. 

“I got bored,” he began. “It’s been four hours of highway, and I’ve already played the Alphabet game against myself four times.”

“Against yourself, huh?” Alex heard John snicker and he felt his heart sing in response. He could listen to John laugh all day. “Who won?”

“I both won and lost. There’d be no way to tell unless you took a peek into my brain.”  _ Schrodinger's alphabet game. _

“Schrodinger’s alphabet game?” John asked.

Alexander felt his stomach swoop.

“Why didn’t you pop in one of your audiobooks?” John asked. 

Alex shrugged. “I didn’t want to wake you up.”

“You didn’t want to wake me up… like you just did?”

“You know what, Laurens? I can turn this car around right now,” Alex teased. 

John shrugged and leaned back up against his seat. “I won’t be the one to owe Lafayette one hundred dollars.”

Alex clasped his hand to his chest. “Oh, Laurens! You have too much power over me!” He sighed, adding to the dramaticism. “Whatever can I do, you know my secret and I am under your control, dear John Laurens!”

Alex felt John shove him playfully and he grinned. 

And so they continued, together. Alexander felt free, driving away from his worries at university. He breathed easy knowing that John was there beside him, exchanging political banter.

They laughed together, there were times when Alex just talked while John made occasional agreement noises. There were times when it was the other way around. John worked on some of his classwork, Alex blared the radio. The windows were rolled down and the AC was blasting. 

John slipped on his sunglasses at one point, and Alex literally had to turn away to keep from drooling over him. It was really unfair, how attractive John was while wearing shades.

The sunlight glinted off of the corner of the sleek black edging of his shades, and it made his heart stop. Something about them really resonated with Alex, made him feel scared and excited all at the same time. John could stare into the depths of Alexander’s soul, but Alex was left helpless to the gaze. He couldn’t stare back into John’s eyes. It was bare and intimate and Alexander loved the thrill of the feeling.

Feelings hurt, yes, but they hurt so good.

The bright morning faded into the golds of the afternoon. John took a shift driving, and Alexander was in need of a nap himself. He curled up in the passenger seat and almost instantly passed out. His eyelids draped shut to the image of John contentedly staring ahead at the highway.

The sun growing bright behind his eyelids eventually woke him up, but he took a moment to lie there with his eyes closed. For an instant eternity, his problems were far off and forgotten. He was consciously asleep.

He eventually opened his eyes to the same sight of John, his hands on the wheel, his eyes far and relaxed into the distance. 

He offered to take over the wheel again. 

John accepted.

As the afternoon waned to sunset, Alex found it increasingly difficult not to glance over at John. The sun gave him this quality, like burning gold. His freckles were alight in the fading colors of the day and the sunlight sifted through his hair. 

And if Alexander met John’s eyes, he didn’t know if he’d be able to pull himself out of them.

So Alex was forcing himself to keep his eyes on the road. 

He was in familiar terrain now, he began to recognize roads and landmarks as they buzzed along. He passed the lake, and the huge oak trees were ones he recognized. There was the candy shop, the familiar houses and huge yards. He made a right turn to pull onto the proper road, and the sun changed positions and he could finally open his eyes properly.

It was like this, driving with the sun behind the two of them, that the sky finally went dark.

It was several more minutes before they finally pulled up in the Washington’s long gravel driveway.

Alex relaxed at the sight of the sturdy home. The windows were alight with life. 

He killed the engine and stepped out of the car wearily. The air was soft and dark, warming his skin. A breeze blew by, brushing some of Alex’s hair into his face. He wrapped it back into a quick bun. He took a moment to breathe in the air.    


“I’ll start unloading, you go in and enlist Lafayette,” Alex said, almost resigned. 

John muttered an affirmative response and Alex watched him grab his bag and clutch onto his pillow as he made his way to the house. Alex watched for a moment, and he hoped that George wasn’t the one to answer the door. John already knew Laf and Burr, and Martha was super sweet, but George was intimidating. Not that John couldn’t handle that, he definitely could, but Alex was doing everything in his power to make this weekend a good experience for John.

And a good first impression was vital.

But there was nothing he could do now, John was already making his way to the house. So Alex popped the trunk open and hoped for the best. 

He watched as the familiar figure of Lafayette left the house and waved at John to follow. Alex grinned. So Laf had been the first person John met after all.

Alex and John met eyes for a moment before beginning to carry items in their hands. Lafayette did nothing but stand there expectantly. Alex was about to open his mouth to scold them into helping when —

“Alex! You and John! Quand?”

Alex sighed. “Je ne sais pas, Lafayette, Decembre? Let’s just go inside.” He hissed the words out, too tired to care that he was being snappy. He was holding a bag in each arm. “Help us carry things, will you?”

Lafayette rolled their eyes and Alex began to walk toward the house, John in stride. Alex felt strange pride in the notion that they were silently in agreement. 

Laf lurched back into Alex’s field of vision. “Non, I will not. If you wanted quiet help you should have asked Aaron. Instead, you have me.” Laf turned around and began walking backward. “Why have I not heard of this?”

Alex exasperatedly adjusted his bags, which were falling out of his arms. “Oh, maybe because I don’t need to tell you everything about my love life?”

“I think that is, how you say? Bullshit.” 

“Well you know what Lafayette, you were in France,” Alex spat back. 

Lafayette made a mock-surrender motion for a moment before reaching back and opening the door. “We have telephones in France! It just seems a bit suspicious.”

Alex dropped his bags on the floor alongside John’s. His hands were now free to convey his argument properly. “ You know what, you just don’t want to lose one-hundred American dollars! Do you even have that, or is all in euros now?” 

Alex really didn’t want to argue right now, he wanted to collapse into his bed and sleep for three hundred years. But he didn’t want to put John in any position where he had to end up fighting for their “relationship”. It was Alexander’s money on the line, anyway.

“Alexander, this is not about the money, It is _ — _ ”

“God, will both of you shut up?” 

John’s voice pierced the argument. Alex looked over at him, he seemed frazzled.

“Laf, Alex wanted to tell you from the first day, but I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. I wasn’t ready to go public. It wasn’t about the money, okay? Both of you, just let this go!” John snapped.

Alexander’s jaw dropped. Damn if John wasn’t hot when he got annoyed.

He weakly registered Lafayette muttering that they bought it, but wouldn’t be giving up the money for the bet until the end of the week.

His main focus was on John, who shook himself and turned around to glance at Alex. “What?” he asked. 

Alex forced his mouth to shut as he straightened up. “That was incredible,” he said. God, why hadn’t he thought of that? John didn’t want to come out. “Realistic. We wouldn’t have lasted five minutes without that.”

He reached over and gently took the bags from John’s arm. He didn’t miss the way their skin gently touched as John shrugged the bags off. He set them on the floor.

“I owe you one,” Alex concluded. 

John made an odd noise, like he wanted to laugh. “Besides the thirty dollars I’m already getting?”

“You know what? I owe you more than one.” Alex was suddenly struck with how much he really owed to John. Not just the bet, but so much more. John didn’t even know the half of what he’s done for Alex. So many times when he felt himself starting to succumb to stress, John, without even realizing it, was the steadying presence that he could anchor himself to. 

“I owe you the thirty dollars, plus one favor, deal?” Alex held out his hand as if to initiate a handshake.

John grinned. He looked up and knocked Alex’s hand aside. Alex made a noise of indignation before John grabbed his hand to shake properly. 

“Come on, let's get the rest of our stuff.”

Alex nodded his agreement and slid the door open once more. The air had grown chilly and it blew across his face as they walked back toward the car. 

“What do you think so far?” Alex asked, grabbing his laptop bag. He wanted, no,  _ needed _ John to like this place. He looked over and met John’s eyes.

John smiled softly. “I like it. It’s homey.”

“Good,” Alex said, relaxing slightly. “Good,” he repeated, closing the trunk of the car as they carried the last of their stuff. 

“Alex! You made it!” Washington’s voice greeted as Alex opened the door to the house.

Alex dropped his bags and gave George a half-embrace in greeting. “Of course I did!”

George took a step back and looked him over. “How have your studies been going? Not getting into any fights, I hope?”

Alex grinned at John, who shrugged. “Nope, none at all. Verbal or physical.” Alex turned back to George, his hands clasped behind his back innocently. 

“And are you lying?” George pressed.

“Well,” Alex said sheepishly, “That depends on your definition of lying.”

George raised an eyebrow. “I would define lying as manipulating or changing the events of a story as to hide the truth. How would you define it?”

“Resting your body horizontally on a flat surface.” He wore a shit-eating grin. He heard John snort, and George massaged the bridge of his nose, exasperated.

“I swear Alex, your pride will kill you one day.”

Alex shrugged.

“He gets into verbal banter with this kid in our debate class, Thomas Jefferson, at least once a week.” John spoke up. Alex took a step back to give him a look of betrayal.

“We once challenged him to go a month without starting shi —starting something,” he hastily corrected, “with Jefferson.”

“And how long did that last?” George asked. It seemed rhetorical, as if he already knew the answer. 

“Three days,” John said, grinning.

Alex huffed. “For the last time, the deal was that I wouldn’t start shit. Jefferson was the one who wanted to argue.”

“Maybe you should be more like this young man,” George said, his eyes twinkling.

Alex’s jaw dropped indignantly. “John is the one that punched Professor Lee!” he defended.

George sighed. “I suppose you guys really are a match for eachother. I assume this is your boyfriend?” he asked, facing Alex. Alex nodded. “Well, it’s nice to finally meet you,” he said, turning back to face John. They shook hands. “Alex talks about you all the time.”

Oh no. 

“Pleasure to meet you as well, sir,” John said. Alex noticed a grin spreading across his face, the kind he got when his curiosity kicked in. “Alex talks about me?” John asked. 

Alex avoided meeting his eyes. He talked about John far beyond the normal amount. He couldn’t help running his mouth. And it certainly didn’t help that John was tended to be on his mind. He stared at George, silently begging him not to elaborate.

“Oh yes,” George said, grinning. “All the time. I’m trying to have a decent skype call, maybe get an update on his classwork, but all he wants to do is talk about his fantastic roommate!”

John opened his mouth to speak. Alex panicked slightly. If John didn’t already think his talking about him was strange, he certainly would if Washington told him.

“Where’s Aaron?” Alex asked, hastily changing the subject.

John and George seemed taken aback by the abrupt change in conversation. 

“Sleeping,” Washington said. “Speaking of, would you like some help carrying your things back to your room?”

Alex shrugged and bent over to pick up his bags again. He led John past the kitchen and down the hall to the door of his room, which was cracked open. He nudged the door open with his foot and was greeted with the familiar sight of his bedroom.

He dropped his bags and threw himself on his bed, inhaling the familiar scent of home. He closed his eyes and relaxed into the mattress. After months of stiff dorm beds, this was heaven. “Hell yes, I forgot how nice this bed was,” he mumbled. 

“You look comfortable,” John commented. His voice held a note of contentedness, and Alexander sighed slightly.

“I’m very comfortable,” Alex said, rolling over onto his back. He looked up at John.

“If you want the bed, I can sleep on the floor,” John volunteered.

Alex was so tired that the sheer selflessness of John’s words didn’t strike him until he was turning off the light and drifting off.

The room was softer in the dark.

Alex knew how painful the floor could be, and he suddenly remembered John’s habit of sleeping on his side. He peaked over the top of the bed to see John with his eyes shut, curled slightly on his side, but definitely not sleeping. 

He pulled one of the blankets off of his bed and tossed it over John before lying back.

“Thanks,” he heard John mutter. 

The sweet tones of John’s voice filling his memory, Alex relaxed into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you read the last fic, you know what happens during the night :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two things you need to know:
> 
> 1\. Writing will be slower for this fic, but I have no intentions of abandoning this. I already have one version written, John's POV, so it's not too hard to twist it to Alex's. Writing will be slow because of finals and how difficult it is to fact-check with my previous fic.
> 
> 2\. I made a blog specifically for writing, upsidearound.tumblr.com , and there are already some lams drabbles up.

A cool breeze was wafting across Alex’s face. The press of his blankets were cool and exerted a soft pressure, warming him. 

No, wait, that wasn’t the blankets.

John was in the bed next to him, making him feel warm and sweet. Alex was lying face down, his arm had somehow draped itself across John’s body. His other hand was lying on the pillow, reaching towards John. Alex could feel the softness of John’s hair at the tips of his fingertips. He sighed gently, opening his eyes. John was still asleep. 

Alex exhaled and relaxed once more. He let his eyelids close and his fingers wrap themselves in John’s hair. He breathed in the warm scent of John, which danced in his nose with the gooey scent of cinnamon. His heart set off fireworks in his chest as time stood still. 

His mind melted as he dozed there, beside the comforting presence of John.

He felt John exhale and a shot of panic ran through his veins. Was he awake? Did he think it was weird, walking up straight-up cuddling with your best friend? And Alex’s fingers were still tracing constellations along the back of John’s neck—was John freaked out by that?

His mind ran through different combinations of words to find something to say. He needed to sound surprised, but not offended. Subconsciously, he was still holding onto that last hope that maybe, just maybe, John liked him back.

“Wait, what the hell?” Perfect. The hesitant wait, and the casual what the hell. Confused, not offended. John would be willing to stay in their comfortable position. He thought he pulled it off pretty well.

Or he did, until John pulled away. “Sorry,” He muttered.

Alex felt his heart drop. The sudden absence of John made his skin run cold. “No!” he said, starting to reach toward John. He wanted to pull John back in and they could both doze the morning away.

He caught himself just in time. He pulled his hand back. “No,” he repeated, making it a less desperate sound. “I was just wondering why you were sleeping with me,” his felt his face flush at the connotations, “I thought you took the floor?”

John grinned. “You don’t remember inviting me up here?”

Alex scoffed. “Obviously. Did it happen in the middle of the night?”

John began to sit up and move off the bed. “Yeah, I was moving around and couldn’t seem to get comfortable. I guess it woke you up, because you invited me up here to crawl in with you.”

Alex rubbed his eyes, pulling himself up. “Are you serious? I don’t remember anything.”

“Now, why would I make something like that up?” John slid off the edge of the bed and began to walk away, not glancing back at Alex.

Alex felt a twinge of regret and longing. “I don’t know,” he said. He watched John move further away, and Alex desperately wished for John to come back and just lie with him. “Hey, where are you going?” he blurted. “I just woke up!”

Not technically true, but it had the effect Alexander wanted. John stopped and raised his eyebrows with an “And?”

“And—” Alex drew out his words, milking them for all they were worth, “—I don’t feel like moving. Get back here, Laurens.”

John turned back and moved apprehensively toward the bed. Alexander waved him forward. His chest might just burst with excitement. Sure, they wouldn’t go back to cuddling, but it would be nice to have John at his side.

John sat back down on the bed and Alex pulled the covers back up over the two of them. They weren’t intertwined with each other, as they had been previously, no. They were lying side by side, and the bed dipped in the center; they gravitated toward each other. Alex stared up at the ceiling, hyper aware of the back of John’s hand touching his own. 

In another timeline, he might have wrapped his hand around John’s and taken it.

He closed his eyes and sighed. The scent of cinnamon rolls was wafting in the room. Alex felt John’s steady breathing beside him. If he could take a snapshot of this moment, he would. He would frame it and hang it on his door. The two of them, warm and magnetized together. The buttery scent of the cinnamon rolls in the other room wrapping gentle tendrils around them.

He felt almost content. 

He felt almost content because while it was relaxing to be this close to John, he was just out of reach. Alexander’s arms were lead, and he couldn’t bring himself to lift a hand to pull John closer, or go back to being intertwined. He wanted their lives to be entangled. John was already his best friend, but Alex desperately wished that John could be his and that he could be John’s.

“Hey, John?” Alex muttered, eyes still closed. 

“Hm?” John’s voice melted over him. Sweet and deep. Honey. 

Alex’s eyes flew open and he grinned. “You wanna get those cinnamon rolls?” He flipped onto his side excitedly, facing John.

John rolled over onto his side. His nose brushed Alex’s. Their lips were within an inch of touching. “I thought you’d never ask,” he said, his voice and close proximity running shivers down Alex’s spine.

Alex laughed and rolled off the bed. He stood up, touching his hair and attempting to get to to lie flat. Damn bedhead.

John stood up as well. Being John, his hair was somehow still perfect. (Well, not by any official standards, but Alex found it endearing anyway.)

John caught his eye and didn’t let his gaze drift. “Shall we head out to the kitchen, Alexander Hamilton?”

Alex offered John his hand. “I believe we shall, dearest Laurens.”

John slipped his hand into Alex’s. Alex swung it slightly before leading John out of the room. “Let’s go.”

Alex pulled John down the hallway. His heart had leapt to his throat and he felt choked and exhilarated all at the same time.

The light and noise of the kitchen flushed onto his face as he and John stepped through the doorway. 

Burr and Lafayette were sitting at the table, on their respective phones. They were each picking at their breakfasts. Burr had cut his cinnamon roll up into pieces (such a strange way to eat cinnamon rolls, Alex was still irked by it) and had one earbud in. Lafayette was using one hand to scroll through their phone, and another to eat. Martha Washington was at the counter, presumably preparing another round of cinnamon rolls that they had been smelling earlier.

When they entered the room, Martha walked over to Alex with a maternal smile. “Hey, there you are!”

“Martha!” Alex released John’s hand and embraced her. “Good to see you.” He stepped back.

“We missed you too, Alexander. And this must be the boyfriend? Jake Laurens?” She turned and faced John. 

“John,” he corrected. 

Alex grinned. “Yes! This is the boyfriend.” His heart did a skip in his chest, as if he was actually dating John and introducing him to his family. Alex grabbed his hand once more. “Do you think we could get some of those cinnamon rolls we’ve been smelling?”

“Yes, of course!” Martha gestured toward the table. “Go, sit down, I’ll get you some.”

Alex led John to the table. They stood there, in front of Burr and Lafayette, hands clasped, for a moment.

Aaron glanced up in his usual subtle smugness. “I wondered when you two were going to get together,” he noted.

Oh, no. Burr was not allowed to pull this shit now. That look, like he knew better than Alex. It was so muted that it could be impossible to detect, but Alexander knew it well. And it particularly irked him because, well, Burr did not know better. Not this time. They weren’t even dating, John would never fall in love with him for real. Alex adjusted his stance, standing with his feet slightly apart and turning slightly. John squirmed a little.

Perhaps Alex was just touchy because his emotions were worn to the surface. He was frayed at the ends, his morning with John had left him emotionally vulnerable.

Either way. 

Alex launched into his response. “Oh, you don’t get to act all high and mighty today. Don’t pretend like you knew that this—” he gestured between himself and John, “—was going to happen. Have you—”

“Hamilton, sit down,” Burr said, unfazed. 

“—even told that girl, Theodosia, that you’ve liked her for at least a year now?” Alex had no idea where the words pouring out of his mouth were coming from. He sat down without a pause in his rant, “And yet! Here you are, telling us that you knew we would get together all along. Hey, here’s an idea, if you’re so good at reading people, take the offence every once in awhile. You expected us to be together but won’t do anything for yourself—”

“It’s nice to see you again, Alexander,” Aaron said. 

“—is hypocritical, yes, I missed you too, but what the hell?” Alex paused for a breath of air.

Burr shrugged and drew his attention back to his plate. “I’d never seen two idiots more stupidly in love with each other. I’m surprised it took this long for either of you to say anything.”

Ha. Alex thought. Yeah, when I finally worked up the courage to say something, I got rejected. How’s that for your phenomenal theory.

Aaron looked up and addressed John directly. “He’s never been one to not tell people what he thinks.”

John opened his mouth as if he wanted to interject, but Laf got to it first. 

“Oui, that’s what I thought at first. But then John said that he wanted to keep it quiet. I’m bitter that you two didn’t tell me. Why is it that you don’t believe I am a good friend?”

Laf said the last bit in french, Alex understood perfectly.

“Who wants more cinnamon rolls?” Martha had returned with a plate of delectable cinnamon rolls. Alex’s mouth watered.

Aaron groaned and shook his head. Lafayette grinned and quickly shoved the rest of their current cinnamon roll in their mouth. They raised their hand in the affirmative. 

Alex lifted up this plate. “Thanks, Martha, you’re great for doing this.” He watched her place a piping hot cinnamon roll onto his plate. “Hey, where’s George?” he asked.

“Out on a run,” she answered.

Alex nodded. That made sense, he had those mid-morning runs, and he must have slept in long enough to be up after he had already left. 

“So,” Lafayette started, a gleam in their eye, “Tell us. How did you get together?”

“It was December, at the Schuyler Christmas party,” Alexander started. “I remember watching him come through the door in that stupid turtle sweater.”He felt his heart spin as he lept into the story. It certainly had a basis in truth.

“And I realized,” Alex said, coughing slightly, “That I was definitely in love with this John Laurens” he really did realize that he loved John that night. The only difference was that John didn’t feel the same way.

“So I decided to take him on a walk in the snow,” Alex continued. Why was John looking at him like that? “The lights lit up the snowflakes, the air was crisp, it was all very romantic.” Alex coughed a little, trying to clear his throat of the lump that had begun to form there.

Everyone at the table was hanging onto every word. Laf looked like their wildest dreams had come true, Burr was pretending to be indifferent, and Martha had that twinkle in her eye. 

The juxtaposition was amusing, in a bitter sort of way. Alex’s heart was skipping, singing, but his throat was knotting and suffocating him. 

“So we’re standing there, and the lights are flickering in his eyes, and I just think oh my god, he’s beautiful so I kissed him.”

At Alex’s conclusion, Lafayette burst into a grin. 

A fit of dread dropped down Alex’s spine. Laf’s excitement was bad for two reasons. One, they knew that Alex had planned to ask John out that night. And two, they would likely be surprised and say something about it. 

“Alex!” Lafayette gleefully exclaimed. “I thought you didn’t—”

—ask John out, I know, I know. But John can’t know that I intended to ask him out. He thinks everything was fake. Keep your mouth shut Laf. 

“We’ve been together since then,” Alex said, plowing over Lafayette’s words. Laf was taken aback, but Alexander pretended not to notice. 

“That’s a sweet story,” Martha commented warmly. Alex smiled gratefully at her. 

“So are we going down to the lake today?” Aaron prompted.

Martha leaned back in her chair. “Sure, I was thinking we could leave as soon as your father gets back?” She looked between Alexander and Aaron. 

Alex was practically vibrating with excitement. The lake, of course he had to show John the lake. John would love it. The lake meant a lot to Alex personally, and John always liked the water. 

Well, John liked turtles, which happened to be in the water. Alexander was still confident that he would enjoy the lake, despite its lack of turtles.

And he was right.

As soon as they arrived (in a very crowded car, everyone but Burr ended up piled on top of one another) John hopped out and ran into the water, Alexander following close behind. 

He plowed into the water, splashing a wave over John as he plowed past him. He heard John shriek in surprise at the cold water.

Alex ducked under the water, and when he came back above the surface he was greeted with an indignant look from John. John, whom two seconds later, knocked Alex’s feet out from under him whilst holding a deadpan expression. 

Alex spluttered as he spat the water out of his mouth, getting his footing back. “You’re on,” he stated before rushing forward to pull John under the water. John lept away, causing another wave to rush into Alex. 

And they were children again, having a waterfight, and nothing was off limits. John would wait underwater for a moment, until he could catch Alexander off guard. Alex would run his arm through the water, spinning, so that no one could get near without getting splashed. John wouldn’t care, he would rush in and tackle Alexander back into the water. 

They created a small, safe infinity between the two of them, or that’s how Alexander felt anyway. He felt right, John felt right, together felt right. 

Maybe that was why, when Lafayette called for Alexander to come back up, Alex leaned in and pressed a kiss to John’s cheek. Because it felt right. 

In his mind, he was trying to stop, no, he shouldn’t, there was no way, he was just getting his hopes up, but he didn’t. His heart sung with joy as he felt the warmth of John’s face against his lips, despite his head screaming to stop. 

“Alexandre!” Lafayette called once again. 

“See ya,” Alexander muttered, smiling at John, who looked dazed. 

Alexander turned around and pressed his fingers to his lips in disbelief. He glanced up at Lafayette, who was gesturing impatiently. He forced his hand to go back down to his side, grinned, and walked up the hill to where Lafayette was. 

From the top, he could look back to the lake, where he had been with John. John was no longer there, instead he appeared to be talking to Burr, off on his usual boulder halfway into the lake. Alexander hoped that Aaron didn’t act too creepy with John. He didn’t think that they’ve ever had a conversation that Alex wasn’t involved with as well. 

Alex shrugged and turned back to Lafayette.

“So.” 

“So?” Alex prompted.

Lafayette gestured to the picnic table. “Let’s sit.”

Alex tentatively swung his legs over the bench and sat. “What is this?”

Lafayette shrugged. They moved to the other side of the table but did not sit down. “You’re dating John now.”

“And?”

Lafayette held up a finger. “And, as one of John’s friends—”

“Don’t tell me you’re giving me the shovel talk.”

Lafayette sighed. “Well…”

“Oh my god, you’re giving me the shovel talk!” Alex exclaimed, rolling his eyes. “Laf, come on, I thought we were friends!”

“Non, Alexandre. You and I, we are brothers.”

Alex sighed. “But in that case, you should be giving the shovel talk to John and not me.”

Lafayette crossed their arms. “You are not understanding. I will always be stuck with you. John is a good friend, and I do not trust you two to handle yourselves.”

Alex crossed his arms with a huff. “That’s a little insulting.” But true. He wasn’t handling his current situation at all, actually. But Lafayette needn’t know that. 

Lafayette shrugged. “Do I look like I care?”

“This is the shovel talk, Laf, it’s always the same! Don’t hurt him, if you hurt him I’ll kill you, blah blah blah. Did I miss anything?” Alex challenged Lafayette with his eyes.

“Oui. If you two get hurt because of normal relationship problems, that is okay. But,” Lafayette leaned forward, “if you get yourself hurt because you ran your mouth, don’t expect sympathy.”

Alexander nodded. “Wait, so this was a reverse shovel talk? Don’t get yourself hurt?”

“It was some of both, Alexander.” Lafayette took a seat across the table from Alex. “Don’t act like it’s not a real danger that you’ll screw things up for yourself either. Remember Maria?”

“What about her?”

Lafayette placed their hands on the table. “You got too close, so you decided your relationship was just going to be, how do you say? Friends and benefits.”

“Friends with benifits,” Alex murmured. “And I couldn’t ever hurt John like that,” he defended. For Alex to hurt John, John would have to have the same feelings toward him. And he didn’t. So this whole conversation was really just unnecessary. 

“Je pense que non, Alexandre. He really loves you. I see it in his eyes. You have his heart in your hands.”

“He’s got mine too,” Alex near-whispered. He suddenly felt a pressure behind his eyes. He wanted to leave the conversation and go cry somewhere. 

Lafayette stood up. “Don’t look so down, Alexandre. You and John are so in love it is gross.”

“Ha.” Alex’s voice was devoid of humor. 

Lafayette was about to respond when they were interrupted by George walking over. 

“Hey you two. Why aren’t you in the lake?”

“Well,” Alex said, “I was, but then this one here decided that they wanted to talk.”

Lafayette raised their arms in a eh, what can you do gesture. 

George sighed. “Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter. It’s time for lunch, why don’t you two go get Aaron and John?” he gestured out to the rock that was further out on the lake, where the familiar shapes of Burr and John resided. John was standing on the lower level of the boulder, while Burr was lying back in a higher crevice. 

Alex shook himself. “Be back sooner than you can say Lafayette’s full name.” He took off down the hill towards the lake. 

Lafayette chased after him, shouting something along the lines of “My name is not a laughing matter!”

As soon as he hit the water, he abruptly lost momentum. He continued to force his legs to run, at least until he was knee deep. He threw himself forward and began to swim. The water was cool and ran in ribbons through his fingers. 

He ducked his head under the water and swam forward. He didn’t always like swimming underwater. It was too quiet. Perhaps he was swimming underwater despite himself in order to show off. He knew exactly how far he needed to go, and he could swim the length in one breath. 

Aaron would laugh at him for doing it in order to make an impression. 

Alex popped his face above the surface. As predicted, he was near where John and Burr were residing. And, as predicted, Aaron rolled his eyes when Alex flashed a smug grin.

Alex glanced over at John, whose melancholy look flipped to a grin. He briefly wondered what Aaron and John had been talking about. 

“Hey John,” Alex greeted. “You wanna go get some food?”

John squinted at him. “What time is it?”

“Lunchtime!” Alex exclaimed. John shrugged and jumped into the water. 

“You coming, Burr?” Lafayette asked. 

“No.” Aaron raised his eyebrows and the sunglasses that were resting on his forehead fell to the proper position over his eyes. “You swim, I’m ‘a sit. Here. Dry and undisturbed.”

Alex watched John give a semi-shrug. “Suit yourself.”

“We won’t bring you a sandwich if you get hungry, though.” Alex watched Burr for a response. 

“I expect no one else to come over here for the rest of the day,” Burr stated simply. 

Alex and John exchanged a look before turning and swimming back to the shore. 

The water splashed around their ankles as they exited the lake, the sand sinking slightly under their feet. 

Martha Washington waved them up the hill. Alex grinned at John before dashing up. The wet sand turned dry beneath his feet, tufts of grass holding the ground stable. John was catching up along his peripherals, and Alex put a little more strength into his run.

That was a mistake. 

The soft ground slipped beneath him and his stomach clenched as he began to lose his balance. 

Alex flailed back, his arms desperately reaching for a grip to right himself. His hand landed on John’s steady arm and their eyes met for a moment as Alex’s left leg swung behind him, flailing and not landing on solid ground. 

Everything was still. John held Alex in place.

Alexander opened his mouth. “Tha—” His left foot slipped out from under him, and he tumbled back into the sand, pulling John with him. He rolled back, John tumbling beside him.

He landed near the water with a thump as he finally quit rolling. He was faceup, staring at the sky. John landed beside him. 

Alex took a moment to breathe, the air had been sucked out of his lungs.

“I would have beat you to the top,” John said. 

At that, Alex hopped up. “Oh, no you wouldn’t,” he said, jumping to his feet and dashing right back up the hill that he had just tumbled down.

In the end, they both made it to the top of the hill where the Washingtons were waiting patiently, yet slightly exasperated.

Lunch was a casual affair, polite conversation about school and politics was held as they ate. 

At one point, George asked about Alex and John’s relationship, so Alex quickly steered the conversation in a different direction. He couldn’t deal with John being treated like the significant other they had always been waiting for him to bring home.

He wanted John to be the date that he could finally hold onto long enough to introduce him to George and Martha. And even though, now, John was playing his role perfectly, it was still only a role. Alex desperately wished it wasn’t.

He sighed gently as he imagined what could have been if he hadn’t choked on his words that night in the snow. 

There were only so many alternative topics than their “relationship”, however, so once conversation had been exhausted Alexander excused himself from the group. He stood up from the table and walked back down to the water lapping at the shore.

He stood there for a moment, and he vaguely registered John coming to stand beside him.

At some point, they ended up lying down in the warm sand, legs in the water. Alex was running the sand through his fingers as he stared up at the sky. The water kept his toes cool.

He pointed at a cloud. “That one looks like an alligator in a tutu.”

John snorted. “It’s obviously a pirate ship, half wrecked.”

Alex grinned. “I can see it. Oh, look at that one!” he pointed to a cloud off to his right. It had an odd half-spherical shape to it, but poofed off on the other side.

“What, you mean the bowl of spaghetti?”

Alex bubbled with laughter. “Yes! Exactly!”

“Oh!” John exclaimed, pointing at another wisp of cloud, “And that one looks exactly like a cloud!”

Alex used his middle finger to point to a cloud across John, subtly flipping him off. “And this one,” he said, “Looks exactly like how I felt about that joke.

John laughed and pushed his hand aside. 

Alexander opened his mouth. “Can I show you something?” 

“Sure,” John said, his voice turning to face Alex. 

Alexander sat up. “Come on,” he said, holding a hand to help John up. John took it and Alex heaved back, pulling John to his feet. 

He led John back into the lake by his hand, but released it when they got far enough into swim. Alexander made sure John was following as he swam across the lake, catty-corner from where they had been residing.

He swam until he reached what he was looking for—a gnarl of roots, that had almost created a wall out of the water. 

Alexander took ahold of the lowest roots and began to make his ascent.

John had no idea, but this specific spot held a deep personal significance to Alex. Not the roots, but what lay above them.

When Alex had first been taken in by the Washingtons, they took him and Burr on a trip to this lake, presumably in order to attempt to win his trust. 

It hadn’t really worked, Alex still refused to talk about anything other than shallow subjects. He talked, yes, but never said anything. They let him go off into the lake and he remembered being alone with himself as he explored. 

So he had found this place. He sat here for several hours, that first day. He remembered falling asleep up here, feeling truly at ease for the first time in several years.

Maybe that had something to do with how he started to trust the Washingtons, because when they left the lake, Alex asked if they could return. It was the first thing he had said that held weight. 

Okay, so maybe the Washingtons’ plan to win his trust did work. But it worked in everyone’s favor in the end.

Alex still couldn’t quite believe that he was about to share his sanctuary with John, but it felt right. 

He reached over the edge of the root wall and offered his hand to John, who was nearing the top of the root wall.

“Come on, I’ll help you up.” 

John took his hand and Alex heaved him up and over the edge. There was a whisper through the trees. 

Alexander stood back as he watched John survey the area. He watched the red light of the horizon wash over John, lighting a fire in his eyes. John had this starstruck look about him as the view of the glimmering sunset lake shone. 

Alex felt the rhythm of his heartbeat as the rippling lake sang. John was glowing in the light of the sunset. His hair shone and his eyes reflected the awe of the lake. 

Alexander moved closer to John, watching him carefully. He felt a flush of heat on his skin, partly because of the sun, partly because he was incredibly close to John. Their hands were only an inch apart. John wasn’t moving, he was completely helpless to the sunset. Alexander smiled softly.

A pair of birds rustling and singing caught Alex’s attention, and he glanced over at them. They fell into the trees and became calm once more.

Alexander looked back at John. He was absorbed in the fire-light of the lake and sun, the cool air of evening washing over them both.

Alexander slipped his hand into John’s, not thinking about how they were alone and only supposed to be faking their relationship. John sighed softly and Alexander froze. The sun dipped over the edge of the world. 

“Alexander! It’s time to go!”

Alex, startled, dropped John’s hand and walked back over to the edge of the root wall. George was calling after them. He blinked. The sky was dark.

“We gotta go?” John asked. He had made his way over to where Alex was standing. 

“Yeah. Come on.”

Alex was about to swing himself over the edge so he could descend, but he felt a grip on his arm. He looked up to meet John’s tender eyes. 

“Hey,” John said. “Thanks for showing me that.”

Alexander felt his mouth go dry. “No problem,” he managed. “It’s one of my favorite places.”

At that, he began his descent. The roots were smooth under his feet.

He dropped into the lake after crawling halfway down. He tread water as he watched John clamber down as well.

They were both silent as they swam back to the beach. The gentle splashing of the water roared in Alexander’s ears alongside his thoughts. John hadn’t pushed him away. He let Alex hold his hand as they watched the sunset together.

Rather, John watched the sunset. Alexander watched John.

Hell if that wasn’t romantic. The soft grass, whistling wind, the sunset, being close and intimate, Alex might just combust on the spot thinking about it.

A small part of him wondered if there was a chance that John actually liked him back. He immediately crushed the thought. No. He had tried asking him out. It didn’t work. End of story. That moment up there, watching the lake, it was nothing.

John was too engaged in the sunset. He didn’t notice Alex taking his hand. Yes, that was the only explanation. Nothing had changed. 

How could it have?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, an update. One more chapter to go!
> 
> FYI; any spelling of Alex's name like "Alexandre" is intentional, it is meant to highlight Laf's french accent. 
> 
> John doesn't speak fluent french in this fic, although historically, he did.

From the second he woke up, Alexander could tell something was off. 

The morning was uncomfortable from the instant he opened his eyes, tossing off the covers in an attempt to escape the suffocating heat. His skin itched and he didn’t feel welcome in his own bed. 

The air was tense. Something had changed.

It could have been the humidity and intense heat, but there was something else in the air as well. A dimension that hadn’t existed yesterday. A pit of dread started to settle in Alexander’s stomach.

John had already left the bed, and ignored Alex as he walked off. 

Brushing the ominous feeling off, Alex stood and quickly followed John into their shared bathroom, where John was brushing his teeth. Alex hesitated before entering through the doorway. John was staring at himself in the mirror blankly, oddly stoic. 

Alex entered the room, tripping slightly and accidentally knocking a cup and some soap containers off of the counter. He muttered an apology before picking them up and setting them back on the counter. John remained unresponsive.

Alexander kept his mouth clamped shut as to avoid spilling his inner turmoil. 

He began to brush his teeth, watching John out of the corner of his eye. John was brushing his hair. At one point he stopped the brush part way down. Alex watched as John jerkily set the brush down on the counter before pulling his hand back quickly. 

The air was long and tense between them.

“I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” John said, it was a sentence, not a question.

John left without waiting for an answer. Alexander turned, slightly startled. 

What had changed?

Staring at himself in the mirror blankly, his mind was running through possibilities. Did Alex do something during the night that he forgot? Could be. It had already happened once, it was reasonable to happen again. Maybe John was just extra tired this morning. Did Alex act differently, changing things? Or did he get —

A shot of cold dread ran down his neck. It was the lake, it had to be. What else? It was too romantic, too personal, he shouldn’t have brought John up to see the sunset. 

Alexander frantically ran his hands through his hair, gripping it in the back. He met his own eyes in the mirror. He looked like a wreck, tired eyes and a distraught look. 

Slowly, he brought his hands down to his side. He took a deep breath. He couldn’t think about  _ would’ve could’ve should’ve’s  _ now, it was done. It was done. He just had to deal with the repercussions of his actions. 

So John was freaked out by Alex holding his hand. Okay, he could work with that. John didn’t seem like he was willing to talk about it either. So Alexander had to do what he always did. Put on a smile, fake it until he made it.

So he ran his hands over his face once more and threw on a grin. He checked himself for a moment, and his smile looked natural enough. 

He straightened up and turned out of the bathroom. He quickly replaced his sweatpants with a pair of shorts, not bothering with changing his shirt. 

He sighed again and then waltzed out of his bedroom and down the hall, where the commotion of breakfast was already taking place. The familiar tones of John and Lafayette’s voices echoed into his ears.

He marched into the room.

“It’s a damn hot day out,” Alexander commented, grinning at John, who was making waffles.

“Alexander,” George said from his chair at the table. “Watch your fucking language.” He didn’t look up, and turned the page in the newspaper he was reading. 

A round of snickers were stifled throughout the room, but no one spoke.

Alexander looked around. “Is anyone going to say anything about that?”

“About what?” John asked, smiling at Alex. His smile tore into Alexander and he felt his heart twinge.

God, it hurt.

It hurt that John didn’t talk to him this morning. It hurt that John acted differently when they were in public together. It hurt that John could hardly look at Alex. It hurt that Alex was so in love with him but could never hold him for real. Be held for real. Kiss for real. Do all the stupid romantic stuff for real. It hurt. 

Alex turned on his heel and left the room, dramatically throwing his hands up in the air. He heard a snort from Laf and was relieved when no one followed him. If putting on a flair made it so everyone dismissed his leaving as dramatics, then so be it. 

Back down the hall, he quickly pulled himself together. Pressed his palms to his eyes so that he wouldn’t start to cry. Ran his fingers through his hair. Slapped himself to bring his concentration back to the present. He took a deep breath and painted on another grin. 

He marched back into the kitchen, words rolling off his tongue, “Now, the hypocrisy of both of your statements is astonishing, isn’t honesty supposed to be one of the most valuable qualities? What happened to the integrity of—Wait, why is everyone staring at me?”

John smiled gently. “Don’t worry about it.”

“It is ridiculously hot, is the AC broken?” Aaron said. 

Martha sighed. “Lafayette was supposed to fix it, but—” She gestured to Laf.

“When it is cool out, it is not broken, and when it is hot out, it is too hot to fix it,” Lafayette finished.

“Yes, exactly,” Martha said, leaning back in her chair.

Lafayette pointed at their phone. “Herc says hello, by the way.”

Hercules Mulligan, that asshole. Alexander has been needing advice about the entire situation with John for  _ days  _ now, and he won’t text back. But he’ll text Lafayette. 

Annoyed, Alexander walked over to Lafayette and snatched the phone from their hands. He quickly erased the message Laf had been in the middle of typing and wrote his own in.  _ Alex says “text me back you bastard” _ . “Ah ha! Send,” he said, punching the send icon. 

Lafayette grabbed the phone, giving Alex a dirty look. “ _ Don’t take my stuff _ ,” Laf hissed.

“Ah, bite me Lafayette,” Alex said, retreating back to the counter and the stools next to it.

Laf grinned and waved Alex off. “At least buy me dinner first,” they said, going back to texting Herc.

Alex winked.

Burr rolled his eyes. “Alexander, quit flirting, your boyfriend is right there.”

_ Yeah, except he’s not my boyfriend. He really couldn’t care less even if I started fucking Lafayette on the spot. Take that Burr, _ Alex thought bitterly. 

A toaster popped. Alex glanced toward the noise, and he watched John pull his waffles out of the toaster.

Alex walked over. “Those for me?” he joked, leaning on the counter.

“They can be,” John said, putting them on a plate and handing them to Alex. Surprised, Alex felt his face burst into a grin. 

“Thanks, babe,” he said, leaning over and pressing a quick kiss to John’s cheek. What had possessed him to do such a thing? He had no idea. But it was nice, and he felt comforted by it, even if it was only fake. 

Alex grabbed the butter off the table and took it, along with his plate of waffles, back to the counter. He set his breakfast down and began to butter his waffles.

George set down his paper. “I was thinking we could go hiking today—”

A round of protests echoed around. Alex gave a shout of “It’s too hot!”, Lafayette began ranting in French, and Burr gave an exhausted sigh. 

George held up his hands. “Hey, I didn’t say we were! It’s at least 90 degrees, and I wouldn’t want any of you to collapse because of heatstroke or dehydration.”

“No hiking?” Aaron said.

“None,” George confirmed. “Martha and I will be going into town, where there is working air conditioning. Running errands and such.”

“So what are we doing, then?” Alex asked. 

George shrugged. “Stay inside, stay cool. Maybe  _ someone  _ will finally fix the AC,” he said, with a pointed look at Lafayette, who shrugged. 

Alexander hopped down from his stool. “Well, in that case, I’ll get some ice, and lay on the couch, and do nothing all day.”

And he did.

Well, he tried. 

After breakfast was over, and everyone had gone their separate ways, Alexander was on the couch as he had promised, but he had begun to get restless.

His tupperware full of ice had started melting, and Alexander wasn’t content to just sit around all day. He wanted to be working on something, keep his mind occupied. But it was hardly cool enough to do anything other than breathe.

The whole day he moved from the couch to the chair, to outside and inside and everywhere inbetween. 

Finding it too sticky inside and heading outdoors to lie in the cool grass. Not finding any relief there and coming back in. Lying on his bed and running ice along the back of his neck. Ending up on the cool stairs in the basement before the heat of his body warmed them up. 

Back in the main room. 

Alex had found his way back to the main room, laying in the sticky leather chair. Whenever he fidgeted, the chair stuck to his skin and snapped at it. 

So the obvious solution was to stay very still, and only move to gently run an ice cube along his forehead.

Lafayette was on a nearby couch. The familiar sounds of flappy bird filled the air; it was too hot to use headphones. Alexander assumed that Lafayette was the one playing the game, as John had called it a “disgrace to birds” when it first started becoming popular.

John’s steady presence was in a nearby chair. Alex had his eyes closed, but he could hear the small sounds of John’s occasional adjustments.

Well, speaking of John.

Alexander had only been home for a few days. The front John put up in front of everyone else was slowly wearing Alexander away. He wanted to tell the couples-story, but one that was real and told a true story about how they got together. Not a version of the truth he made up.

He was muttering to himself now, his thoughts spilling onto his lips.

John didn’t feel the same way, that much was clear. And yet, Alexander still took him up to that cliff on the lake to watch the sun go down. Watching John up there, his eyes alight, it made Alex’s heart soar just thinking about it.

No. He had to put that from his mind. They held hands for show. Kissed in front of people. Made up stories about how they got together. John would pretend to be lost in love with Alexander, while Alexander was helplessly lost in love with John. 

It just wasn’t worth doing this anymore without some sort of payoff. 

“Lafayette, I’ve decided I want my money now,” Alex announced, opening his eyes to stare down Lafayette.

Lafayette groaned. “Ugh, pourquoi?”

“Unimportant,” Alexander said, closing his eyes again. “We made a bet, and I won it.”

“Au contraire, Alexandre.”

Alex sat up, the chair painfully pulling at his skin. “Quoi?”

“ _ I don’t think you are as committed to the relationship as John is, _ ” Lafayette eased elegantly into French.

Alex spared a glance at John, who shrugged a  _ you know I don’t speak french fluently  _ at him. Alex turned back to Lafayette. “ _ I don’t know what you mean.” _

Lafayette sighed and sat up. “Alexandre, you are the loudest person I know. Yet, I have yet to see you and John do anything more than hold hands. It is unlike you, and makes me question the validity of your relationship.”

Alex spluttered. “You saw me kiss him today at breakfast!”

“On the cheek. It doesn’t count, we do it in France all the time!” Lafayette said, rolling their eyes.

“Well this isn’t your study abroad program!” Alex shot back. “Cut me some slack here!”

“Alexandre, te détends, s’il te plaît!” Lafayette leaned forward, placing their elbows on their knees. Alex felt his breath  _ woosh _ in his ears as he met Lafayette’s eyes. 

Getting too emotional had always been one of his faults. 

He took a moment to pull himself together before waving Laf on. He pointedly avoided looking over at John, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to stand it for another second. 

“I do not doubt that you are in love with John,” Lafayette said, speaking more gently this time. “I do, however, doubt that you are actually dating.”

“ _ Why? _ ” Alex demanded, reverting back to French.

Lafayette followed suit. “ _ I believe that you, being the way you normally are, decided to do something dumb like jumping to conclusions. Whenever you two are in the room, it is not the normal, easy atmosphere you normally have. Nor does it have an air of completeness or the wholeness of a relationship. It is tense. Like there is something still unresolved.” _

Alex glanced at John out of the corner of his eye. John was watching both of them, but seemed lost to the conversation. 

“ _ No, that’s not true!” _ Alex said. It couldn’t be resolved because John didn’t feel the same way. Alexander just needed to get over it.  _ Cry me a river _ , he thought,  _ build me a bridge, and get over it. _

But that’s not what he told Lafayette.

“ _ Lafayette,”  _ he said, “ _ it’s not up to you how we show our relationship! None of your business how affectionate we are. A relationship is private, and you shouldn’t be questioning everything I tell you.” _

“Do you really expect me to believe that?” Lafayette said, reverting back to English.

Alex crossed his arms. “I never make a bet I don’t win, this isn’t any different than any other!”

Lafayette collapsed back into the couch. 

The tension in the air sizzled. Alex turned back to John, and his stomach dropped when their eyes met. 

Never prone to rational decisions, Alexander walked over and took both of John’s hands contemplatively. He held them in front of him, swinging them slightly. His whole body felt shaky, but his hands betrayed none of his inner turmoil.

He glanced at Lafayette for a second before turning his attention back to John.

For a split second, everything was still. John, still in his chair, looking up at Alex quizzically. Alexander, who was holding John’s hands firmly, looking up from their hands to John’s eyes. 

And Alex, well, he lost himself in them. 

In one fluid motion he pulled John to his feet and melted their lips together. 

He didn’t care for the repercussions, all he wanted to do was to dive headfirst into John’s eyes. He wanted to know every last corner of John. He wanted John to hold him. He wanted to breathe, see, feel John.

He wanted to break into a million peices.

John sighed into the kiss, leaving Alexander helpless. Their fingers were loosely knotted together by their sides, and they remained that way when they pulled back.

They were hardly an inch apart.

Alexander held his breath. John had released one of his hands, and was trailing his fingers up Alex’s arm and to the back of his neck. He shivered as John tucked his hand under his hair. 

A beat.

And then he was being drawn back in, gently, slowly, gracefully. Their lips interlocked perfectly, and suddenly he became more desperate. He gripped John’s hand, not wanting him to let go. He didn’t know if he could stand alone. John’s lips were gentle but focused; he knew what he wanted, and Alexander knew how to give it to him.

The world spun around the two of them, leaving Alex dizzy.

By an unspoken agreement, they both breathed out of the kiss. John was holding Alex close by the back of his neck, fingers tangled in his hair. 

“Hey there,” Alex breathed. He was helpless, this close.

“Hey,” John murmured. His voice was sweet and Alexander wanted to pull him in and melt into another kiss.

Lafayette’s applause startled him out of it.

Alex jumped back as Lafayette stood, clapping. “F élicitations à vous!” Laf exclaimed. “If that was an act, it was worthy of one hundred dollars.”

Lafayette reached into their pocket and pulled out several twenty dollar bills and pressed them into Alex’s empty hand. Alexander, still shell-shocked, didn’t have time to ask why on earth Lafayette was carrying around that much cash before Lafayette dashed off into the other room with a “bonne chance!”

Aaron was standing in the doorway, gaping at John and Alex. 

“I shouldn’t have seen that,” he muttered, turning on his heel and walking back down the hall.

Alexander turned to grin at John when John pulled back like he’d been burned. Alex felt his heart drop. Of course. It was only an act, wasn’t it? No reason to stay near Alexander when there wasn’t someone to see it.

John refused to meet his eyes.

“I’m sorry, I have to go,” John said, walking away, leaving Alexander standing there, staring after the empty space that John had occupied only seconds ago.

Standing there, in that empty room, he felt himself fall apart. His body was frozen, but his mind was in turmoil. He wanted to fall to the floor. He wanted to cry his eyes out. He wanted to take it all back. 

He wanted to have it all.

Instead, he was locked in place, almost gasping for air. 

He slowly unfroze, after a minute or two finding he could bring himself to move again. The first thing he did was bolt out of the house.

His legs carried him outside, under the big oak tree in the lawn. He ran for it, the wind cutting into his face. He finally collapsed against the trunk of the tree, shuddering with tears as he slid down its side.

He held himself like that for some time, curled up against the tough bark of the tree, whispering anything and everything that came to mind. 

He spoke incoherently, words about “what if” got mixed in with the “should have” and tossed up with the “never can be”.

He rambled about his feelings for John, about his frustrations with himself, about his worries about the future, what everyone expected for him, how he got too emotional and made rash decisions, about how he got too emotional and wouldn’t make any decisions.

His words were a prayer to some god he didn’t believe in. 

A squirrel ran into his field of vision, and Alexander stared at it quizzically. It ran off, and Alex lifted his head to stare after it. With his chin already up, he slowly unraveled the rest of his body, leaning up against the tree instead of curling up on the ground beside it. 

He relaxed, sprawled out against the tree for a moment. Thinking about anything hurt, but he could breathe through it.

Alex pulled up his messages to Herc, thanking that stupid squirrel.

_ From  _ **Horsefucker** : What tf do you need so bad you have to interrupt my conversation with Lafayette

Alex grinned at the response, remembering how he had texted Herc through Lafs phone at breakfast, the humor easing him of his heartache for a moment before he typed out a response. 

_To_ **Horsefucker** : The John thing is killing me and I don’t know what to do.

He pressed send and held this phone close to his chest as he leaned back and awaited a response. 

The returning  _ buzz _ startled him. 

_ From  _ **Horsefucker** : have you tried telling him how you feel, like a normal person?

_ To  _ **Horsefucker** : I tried asking him out, you know this!

_ From  _ **Horsefucker** : That’s open for interpretation

_ To  _ **Horsefucker** : ...what do you mean

_ From  _ **Horsefucker** : I mean that you should get some time alone with him and tell him how you feel. If he feels the same way, great. If he doesn’t, then at least you know.

Alex sighed and turned off his screen without responding. He shoved his phone back into his pocket and twirled the grass absentmindedly. He swallowed hard, the idea of telling John his feelings was crushing him.

Gripping his phone, Alex closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the tree. He lay there, feeling the wind toss through his hair. He let the air brush his nerves away, dozing off. The warm of the sun combined with the cool grass in his toes lulled him to sleep.

Alex’s eyes fluttered open. Had time passed? He didn’t know. 

The memory of John retreating stabbed into his stomach. The guilt rushed up his throat, gripping him tightly.

He stood up shakily, taking a deep breath. He had to suck it up and tell John. There wasn’t anything worse than this. If John wasn’t interested in being friends anymore, at least Alexander would have told him.

Walking back to the house now, Alexander felt the heat of the sun against his back. It burned into him, driving forward and into the cold house. 

The door slid open softly. Alex was grateful. 

He stumbled down the hall. He stood by the door of his room for some time, staring at the wood in front of him. It was closed, locking Alex away from John.

He knocked. “Are you in here, John?” Alex asked. He coughed slightly, willing the knot around his tongue to undo itself, “I need to talk to you about something.”

No going back now.

Alex stood at the door for what felt like an eternity.

When it finally swung open, John looked like a mess. His eyes were bloodshot and tired. He wore an apathetic expression, seeming to have lost all care for the world. Alexander wanted to pull him in and just hold him. 

Instead, he asked if he could come in.

“Sure,” John said. “It’s your room, after all.”

The joke fell flat, but Alex gave a small grin anyway. 

He stepped over the threshold, and walked to the other side of the room. Staring at the wall, he heard the door close and John adjust his stance to face Alex.

Alex turned around, and for a moment, neither of them moved or spoke.  _ This is your chance. Say something. Just fucking tell him.  _

Alexander took a deep breath. “John, I—”

“Why did you kiss me?” John interrupted. 

“What?” Alex said, startled. He hadn’t planned for this. It was going to be a quick confession, rip the tape off, but John had other ideas.   


“Why did you kiss me?” John repeated. “I thought you said this would be an easy way to score thirty dollars.”

“It should have been,” Alex said.  _ It should have been easy, I wasn’t supposed to be in love with you, I shouldn’t have kissed you _ . “I didn’t expect Lafayette to catch on. I’m the winner of the bet, I made one hundred dollars, but—”  _ but it wasn’t worth losing you over. The truth is, I’m in love with you John, and I have been. That’s why I kissed you. _

The words were on the tip of his tongue, but he broke off.

“Why did you kiss me?” A third question. “It was only an easy way to score some cash, wasn’t it?”

Alexander flinched at the words. “No! That wasn’t it at all!”

John scoffed. “Why then? Was it your fucking pride? You couldn’t stand losing a bet.”

Alex closed his eyes, wishing this was over.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” John plowed forward. “You and your pride! You don’t even stop to think about the effect you have on other people.”

Alex flashed his eyes open. “Oh, so this is a matter of pride? Quick change of subject there, Laurens. I thought we were talking why you kissed me.” 

They landed precisely where they were aimed. John flinched. “Why I kissed you?” He raised his voice. “Don’t pull that shit with me, Alexander.”

Alex laughed miserably. “Don’t pull that shit, in the same way you  _ didn’t  _ pull me back in after we kissed?”

“You’re the one who was too embarrassed and self-centered to show up without a date in the first place!”

_ Self-centered _ . The tiny words crushed Alexander into the ground. He didn’t think about anyone but himself. He got himself into this mess. He did this to himself and he deserved the consequences. 

“You think I’m self-centered? Who’s making more money from this bet?” Alex lashed back. He wanted to stop talking, stop the venomous words from spilling from his mouth, but he couldn’t. His tongue was in knots and wouldn’t form the words he wanted,  _ needed  _ to say.

“I thought I was doing it for you, you bastard!” John shouted back. Alexander flinched. Words flooded into his mind; he was an  _ orphan,  _ a _ bastard,  _ nothing but a  _ son of a whore, obnoxious, arrogant _ —

“—just had to be so cocky to bet on your love life!” John’s voice dug into his mind.

“Wise words from someone who put on the single most convincing act in front of Lafayette!” Alexander said. He let the words fly, without any reservation. He didn’t care anymore. He just wanted to stop fighting. “You’ve got as much pride as I, if not more. The kiss had no benefits, aside from—how did you put it?—your fucking pride!”

“Forgive me for trying to help you, Alex,” John hissed. 

“Oh, this was about helping me? I hate to break it to you—” Alex was rapidfire now, his words took no prisoners. He wished he could clamp his mouth shut. “—but it was  _ your  _ little act that did all the convincing!” 

“It wasn’t a fucking  _ act _ !” John shouted. “Nothing I have done has been an act! I kissed you because I wanted to! I held your hand because that’s all I’ve wanted for the past year! I agreed to this fake relationship because all I wanted was for it to be real!”

Alexander froze.

No. This didn’t add up. It couldn’t be.

Alexander was shell shocked, his head whirring. He couldn’t find the words to express everything happening in his mind. Speechless. For the first time, he couldn’t find the correct words. 

“Is that the answer you wanted?” John spat. “I hope you’re fucking satisfied Alexander, because I—”

John broke off, waving a hand helplessly. “Because I’m in love with you,” he said. His words were almost inaudible now, but there was no denying them.

Alexander opened his mouth, but the thoughts and feelings whirling around in his head couldn’t collect themselves. He struggled to get a coherent thought together, just when he had something it would blow away in favor of another thought.

“Say something,” John whispered.

_ I love you too. _

_ I’m so sorry. _

_ I didn’t want it to be an act either.  _

_ I’ve been in love with you since December. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted for you to be mine, and for I to be yours. But I couldn’t risk losing our friendship. _

But he couldn’t get any of those thoughts out. He stood there, speechless. His chest was constricting and his tongue was knotted in his throat. 

John nodded. “Okay. That’s what I thought.” Alex could see the flecks of tears beginning to form in his eyes and he tried to calm the storm of his thoughts once more, to say something, anything. 

John turned his back to Alex. “You can tell them we broke up,” he said, his voice cracking. “Save your goddamn pride.”

Alex felt his heart drop and shatter into a million glass shards. 

John opened the door and escaped the room. The door clicking shut was a final cannon  _ boom _ in Alex’s ears.

Alexander unfroze. “Wait!” he called at the closed door. “Wait,” he whispered to an empty room. 

_ Please don’t leave. _

But of course, it was too late.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene at the end of this? yeah I almost made it slightly different. Equally cute, but different. I couldn't incoperate elements of both. A sacrifice had to be made.
> 
> Also, this has fanart now?!?!? Find it here: http://wizardship.tumblr.com/tagged/smha%20fanart

Alexander ate dinner alone that night.

The Washington’s had informed him that they would be back later that evening, so Alexander made himself a bland bowl of cereal for dinner. He sat at the table, watching the sun go down through the window.

It felt bittersweet, remembering John’s confession.

Scratch that, it was just bitter. There was no redemption in knowing that Alexander had frozen and John walked off.

Just like the gross cereal he was eating.

“Mon Dieu, Alexandre, pourquoi manges-tu cette céréale? C’est...assommant.”

“Lafayette,” Alexander said, not looking past the cereal he was stirring dully.

“ _Why are you eating this boring cereal?_ ” Lafayette repeated.

Alex sighed. “ _Because_ ,” he said, “ _I’m not in the mood for Lucky Charms._ ”

Lafayette walked over to the cabinet. Alex heard the hinge of the cabinet swing open and shut.

A bright box was set down in front of Alexander’s vision. He pushed it aside and spooned himself another bite of cold bran.

“ _I don’t know why you are upset, but a fun dinner can’t hurt._

“ _It_ _won’t help either,_ ” Alex said bitterly.

“ _W_ _hat’s going on_?” Lafayette asked, standing across the table from Alex.

Alexander sighed. “ _I… John…._ ” he trailed off, unsure of how to tell Lafayette what was going on.

“ _I know_ ,” Lafayette said. “ _I_ _heard some of the noise_.”

“ _No, you don’t know_ ,” Alexander said. He remembered the words John said as he was exiting the room.

_You can tell them we broke up._ That’s what John had said. He didn’t want to pass it off as a fight, or even attempt to stick it out with Alex. He wanted to cut it off. He didn’t want to see or talk to Alex.

Alexander stifled a sob down before continuing. “ _We, ah, broke up. I guess._ ”

“ _You guess?”_ Lafayette repeated.

Alexander scoffed. He paused for a moment before making a move for the Lucky Charms, pouring them into his bowl. The marshmallows mixed around with the milk and the soggy bran flakes. He took another bite. The marshmallows were bland. They tasted grey. The kitchen was grey. Alex was grey.

“ _I don’t know what to do,_ ” Alex said, looking up at Lafayette. “ _There’s no way he wants to talk to me_.”

When Lafayette didn’t respond, Alex sighed and reached across the counter to grab his notebook. He slid it toward himself, and pulled the pen out from inside the spiral.

Flipping it open, he clicked his pen and began to write in a vivid red ink.

_Dear John,_ he started.

No. That wasn’t right. Too informal. He crossed it out and flipped to another page.

_My dearest John Laurens,_ he tried.

Well that was even worse.

Flipping to another page, he started a new note. This time with no greeting. Lafayette was standing vigil beside him as he pressed pen to paper.

_I don’t know what to do. For the first time, I don’t know how to fix something I screwed up. No backup plan. I didn’t have a plan in the first place. So I stood stock still and couldn't work out a single word. I wish I could go back and do something different._

He stabbed a period at the end of the sentence and the pen broke. Ink flooded out of it and all over Alexander’s hand and notebook, erasing his message.

“Shit.” Alex’s hands flew to his forehead, rubbing his temples. “Shit!” The ink had gotten all over one side of his face.

Two hours since The Argument.

The sky was lit up in a bright red, matching the crimson tone that was smeared on the left side of Alexander’s face.

Lafayette plucked the ink-soaked notebook out of Alexander’s hands as he stared out of the window at the flaming sky. Laf tossed it into the trash.

Alex jumped and turned around. “Laf! I need that! I need—”

“No, you don’t.”

“Lafayette! Please, I need to write something to give to John. I need to tell him everything.” Alexander shook his head and pointed to where Lafayette had dropped the notebook. “I need to write down everything, because I can’t lose him.”

Lafayette was silent.

“Lafayette!” Alex said, desperate. “I can’t fucking—” his voice gave out, cracking beneath his words. “I can’t lose him. Please.”

Lafayette took a step forward and embraced a stiff Alex in their arms. “Merde, Alexandre, I am trying to help you out here. You can’t write if your pen has become part of your paper, yes?”

Lafayette gave Alex another squeeze before stepping back. “And I think John would prefer it if you went and talked to him.”

Alex gave a choked scoff. “He doesn’t want to talk to me. Not after my inability to say a single goddamn thing after he—”

“Give him some time, Alexandre. I know you want to go running after our John, but take your time with this. Go up to your room, get cleaned off, then try and find him.”

Alex nodded before stumbling back to his room. Lafayette didn’t follow.

He stood in front of his door for a moment. Some corner in the back of his mind hoped that John would be waiting inside, that nothing had happened, that Alex could redo the conversation and fix his mistakes.

Or not even that. He hoped that John would be waiting inside, and Alex could have a chance to explain himself. Tell John the truth. Pray for forgiveness. Forgive John in turn.

Of course, when he finally opened the door, he was alone.

He collapsed onto the bed facedown. He didn’t want to look at the rays of sunlight painting his room red. He didn’t want to lift his head off the sheets to see he’d smeared dark crimson ink all over it.

He didn’t want to look at the state of his world. He preferred the dark.

Eventually, Alex pulled himself out of his bed and managed to make it to the sink. There, he silently washed the ink off of his left hand and watched it run off into the sink.

Swinging the bathroom door open again, he moved back into his room and stood in the doorway. Sighing, he turned around and shut his door. He stood there for a moment, before changing his mind and leaving his room.

He left his door open this time.

 

* * *

 

Alexander knocked weakly on Aaron’s door. “Burr? Are you in there?”

He heard nothing for awhile. Alexander was about to turn around and go back to his dark room when the doorknob turned.

“Alexander?” Aaron asked, opening the door slowly. The light from the hall flooded into his room, casting their shadows onto the wall.

“Do you know where John is?”

Aaron gave an odd pause. He made an “uh…” sound in the back of his throat and turned back into his room slightly, looking behind his open door. “No, I don’t,” he concluded, leaning back out towards Alex. “What do you need?”

“You know what it’s like when you screw something up because you didn’t say anything?”

Burr’s mouth dropped open.

“No! I didn’t mean it that way,” Alexander said frantically. “I didn’t mean you, it’s something different, I screwed up, I don’t know what to do, Aaron, I—”

Alexander collapsed into a gasping sort of cry, leaning forward and gripping Burr’s forearm. Aaron took a step forward, outside of the doorway. “Hey, hey, what’s going on?” he asked.

“John and I had this—” Alex broke off, waving a hand, “—fight, I suppose. And he told me he—” _loved me._ Alexander shook his head. “He told me something, and I didn’t say anything, I should have said something, I just froze; Aaron, I couldn’t get a single word out,”

Aaron closed his door behind him. “I’m sure you two will work it out,” he said.

Alex shook his head. “You and Laf; you both say that. But he walked off, and I didn’t say anything. There’s no way he wants to even look at me at this point. What’s the point of telling him I love him if it won’t fix anything?”

“Tell him anyway.”

Alexander blinked. “What?”

“Look at it this way,” Burr said, pulling Alexander’s grip off of him. “Right now—This is your worst case scenario.”

“Burr, please, I really don’t have the brainpower for your passive-aggressive ambiguous statements.” Although the familiarity of it allowed him to relax slightly.

Aaron smiled at Alex before turning to go back into his room. “Goodnight, Alexander.”

The door closed in Alex’s face, and he stood there, staring at it for a moment before turning away.

He sighed and brushed a tear away. The hallway was long and dark. Alex walked back towards his room, unsure of himself for the first time in many years.

He was unsure of what to say to John as he swung the door open.

He was unsure of how to confess to John as he collapsed into his bed.

He was unsure of where to find John as he flipped the light off.

He was unsure of his future with John as he closed his eyes.

But when he finally fell unconscious, he was completely certain that he loved John to the moon and back. And he was completely certain that he needed to make sure John knew it.

 

* * *

 

Alexander slept fitfully.

He woke up not even an hour after falling asleep, pulled his covers up, and tried to fall asleep again.

He didn’t even make it to thirty minutes.

Giving up on sleeping, Alex lay sprawled out on the bed, staring at the ceiling, counting the spots, stains, and smudges. He found shapes and patterns as he traced imaginary lines across the small imperfections on the ceiling.

_And that one looks like a cloud!_

Alex felt like he was back on the lake; tracing shapes in the sky with John. It put his restless mind at peace, but it made him incredibly sad. He couldn’t help but think that when they were drawing shapes in the clouds that they were drawing their last good memory together.

He thought of John’s freckles—Hundreds of them, scattered across his face like stars. He could trace constellations across them for hours. He could find infinite shapes that were just as beautiful as John. He wanted to gently run his pinky finger across John’s face and write a poem for every shape he made. He wanted to find his future in John’s freckles.

Fuck this.

Alexander tossed his covers off and stood out of bed.

Maybe he could sleep somewhere else. The couch in the main room, perhaps. Somewhere that didn’t have spots that made him think about John.

He left his light off and fumbled for the doorknob. Wringing it open, he began to shuffle down the hallway. He began to turn and head for the couch when he noticed a dim light coming from the kitchen.

He turned for the kitchen instead.

Walking through the doorway, the first thing he noticed was John, sitting at the counter, sipping a glass of water. The moment he crossed the threshold into the kitchen, the air got cooler. The sink light was on, illuminating the room in a soft orange-yellow.

John wasn’t moving, save for to bring the glass to his lips. Alex wondered if he should turn and go back down the hall. John’s back was too him, he would never know. He would never know that Alex’s feelings ran deep. He would never know that Alex simply froze. He would never have a chance to rebuild a relationship with John.

Instead, Alexander opened his mouth and spoke.

“What are you doing up?”

John turned around. He looked exhausted. “Couldn’t sleep,” he muttered, meeting Alex’s eyes.

“Yeah, neither could I,” Alex said. John turned his back to him once more. Alex stared at the back of his head for awhile, not wanting to make a rash decision that derailed them once more. They were standing on a tightrope, he couldn’t do anything sudden, nor could he stop moving for one moment.

He sighed. “Can I sit?”

John shrugged. Alex cautiously slid the stool out and sat down next to John.

It was quiet for a moment. John had gone back to his glass of water, and Alex stared straight ahead. He counted his breaths. The violent storm of emotions had ceaced, leaving them sitting in the calm of its center.

Alexander knew better than anyone that the eye of the hurricane was dangerous. It was quiet and peaceful, and glimpses of hopeful sky could be seen. The storm would appear to be over. Guards were dropped. People would breath a sigh of relief, shout with joy.

Until the eyewall violently tore through them once again.

He only had to hope that this wasn’t the eye; that the storm had truly passed.

Alexander took a deep breath. He needed it to even attempt to convey what he needed to.

“John—”

“Please don’t.”

Alex felt his breath stutter short. “What?”

John pointedly avoided Alexander’s gaze. “I’m tired of crying Alex, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Guilt flooded through Alex. _I made him cry?_

“Then don’t talk about it,” Alex said. “But would you let me talk? You don’t have to say a single word. And I know I deserved everything you called me today—”

“No you didn’t,” John whispered, almost too soft to hear.

“—but if you could hear me out, that would be enough.” Alex took a shaky breath. “Let me say my piece, and if you don’t want anything to do with me—” his throat knotted. He coughed a little in an attempt to remove the lump. “—then I’ll leave you be. I won’t bother you again.”

Alex watched as John nodded slowly.

He wondered where to start. The very beginning was far too much; he’d been in love with John longer than he knew it himself. And his reaction after their fight didn’t make any sense without painting a backdrop of the emotional turmoil.

Alexander closed his eyes for a moment.

“It wasn’t supposed to be fake. You and me. Us. We weren't supposed to be faking it.”

John’s head shot up. His eyes betrayed shock and hurt.

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, running his hands through his hair. “When I asked you to be my boyfriend, I really meant it. But you didn’t say anything. So, in an effort to save my own pride, I quickly changed it to a proposal for a fake relationship.”

John didn’t say anything, but his eyes were relaxing as Alexander wove words around them.

“You were right—My pride gets in the way. You seemed in such disbelief that I could ever be someone worthy of dating, so I quickly fixed my embarrassing problem with a lie to save my pride.”

John scoffed, and fuck if that didn’t wring Alex’s heart.

“Every time we would do something as a “couple”—” he made air quotes, “it would hurt that much more, because I thought you were only faking it. And when we kissed—”

Alex broke off, collecting himself. He didn’t want to cry. Not now, when he needed to get these words out.

“When we kissed,” he started again, “I felt like the world had stopped. Time stood still, as cheesy as that sounds, and everything felt right. I felt like I belonged, like I was _wanted_ , and you made me feel that way.”

John turned away.

“And then, when you confronted me, and dropped a bombshell, I had no idea how to react.” Alexander was begging now, pleading for John to tell him that they were okay. That, maybe, John could forgive him.

“I love you, John,” Alex said desperately. “I’ve loved you for some time now, I knew it from the moment you came into that Christmas party wearing that stupid, adorable turtle sweater.

“I know I don’t deserve you. I could give you a hundred, a thousand, a million excuses about how I was under stress, how we both attacked each other, or about how I just froze, but none of those things could possibly encompass how much I want you to understand. I just—love you.

“And I’m here, telling you this, hoping that my words still mean something to you”

Alex could feel the air growing colder. John was still silent, and the tension that was holding them together in the dark was disappearing into thin threads. Alexander felt a sensation of falling, just waiting to hit the ground. He swallowed down the emotions ready to overwhelm him.

“Say something,” he whispered as a last-ditch effort.

John, still facing forward, leaned toward Alexander and gently wrapped his arm around Alex’s. He slipped his fingers through Alex’s and gave a gentle squeeze.

The tension evaporated.

John’s hand as his anchor, Alexander sighed contentedly.

John looked over at him and offered a soft smile.

Alex rubbed his thumb along the back of John’s hand as he leaned in and rested his head on John’s shoulder.

It was quiet.

 

* * *

 

**FIVE YEARS LATER:**

 

Alexander’s feet clicked against the hard floor as he entered the empty room. He looked around the apartment one last time before sighing and turning to the realtor.

“It’s nice,” he said, “but I can’t pay for it on my own, and it turns out my boyfriend can’t move in.”

“You know I can’t refund your first payment, right?” the realtor asked.

“Yes, I know.”

“And you know that it was four hundr—”

“I am well aware!” Alex semi-shouted, overriding what the realtor was about to say.

The realtor shrugged and handed Alexander a few papers before leaving the room.

He heard a knock on the open door and turned towards the sound. There, he was greeted with the lovely sight of John Lauren’s freckled face, grinning at him.

“Hey, babygirl,” John said. Alexander went weak in the knees, just like he did every other time John called him _babygirl_.

“Oh my god, John! What are you doing here?” Alex asked, rushing forward and pulling John into an embrace. “I thought you were taking that job in Washington D.C.?”

John tugged the papers out of Alexander’s hands and set them on the nearby counter. “Well, I decided that this was where I needed to be. Someone has to make sure you don’t burn down City Hall in one of your fights with Jefferson,” he teased.

John took both of Alex’s hands in his, playing with his fingers.

Alexander felt warmed to his very toes. “Oh hush, you’ll be fighting him right beside me, now that you’re staying here.” He straightened up and planted a quick kiss onto John’s mouth. “With me.”

John smiled. He fiddled with Alexander’s hand for another moment before taking a step back and dropping to one knee.

Alexander’s heart jumped to his throat.

“What are you doing?” he asked weakly.

John pulled a small velvet box out of his pocket and held it in front of him. “Alexander,” he began, “you light up my world. Everything dark and cold disappears when you’re around. Burr got it right when he told me you were like a fire—you keep me warm on dark days. You light up my night. You set my heart aflame, from the first day I met you.”

John flipped open the box. Inside a gorgeous ring was nestled, intricate gold and black strands wove around each other. It seemed to shimmer. Alex thought he might cry, his chest was ready to burst.

John stood up slowly. “I want to stay warm for the rest of my life.” He was fully upright now, and stepped closer. He held the ring in the small space between their hearts. “And I can’t do that without you. So, Alexander Hamilton, will you—”

“Yes!” Alex blurted. “Yes, yes, a million times yes!” He pulled John into a teary eyed kiss. John wrapped his arms around him, keeping them even closer. They melted together, lips locked, embracing one another.

John pulled back. “—marry me?” he finished.

Alex blinked. “Yes, of course.”

John smiled warmly and gently pulled Alexander back in by the back of his neck as Alex tugged at John’s hands to bring their lips together once more.

Yeah, he was satisfied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, that proposal was Ben/Leslie Parks and Rec inspired. :)

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos to whoever spotted the 21 Chump Street reference. :)


End file.
